But when you feel stressed and don’t have a lot of time on your hands, you can still de-stress with mini-relaxation breaks:

Take a few DEEP breaths periodically throughout the day. (Concentrate on expanding and widening your ribcage as you fill up your lungs—slowly inhale through your nose to the count of five, and let the air out of your mouth to the count of eight.)

Take time for a self-massage:
—Move your scalp slightly back and forth making circles with your fingertips (with your thumbs behind your ears and your fingers spread on top of your head). —Place your fingertips at your nose bridge and slowly slide your fingers down your nose and across the top of your cheekbones to the outside of your eyes. Repeat 4 times.
—Place your ring fingers under your eyebrows near the nose bridge and slowly increase the pressure for ten seconds and then release. Repeat 3 times.
—Give yourself a foot massage…gently stroke from the toes to the ankles, use a circular motion with a fist and move along the sole of each foot, squeeze and gently twist and stretch each toe, stroke around your ankle and up towards your leg and back to your toes…
—Rub the palms of your hands together quickly to build up heat and then place your hands and heated palms over your face and take deep breaths (taking air in through the nose, hold, and slowly release through the mouth).

In my next Blog post I’ll talk about reducing your stress by controlling your thoughts.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Or you can go from a feeling of being calm to overwhelmed very quickly when several stressful events (such as: illness, death of a beloved, a cancer diagnosis, divorce, separation, hospitalization, injury, abuse, money problems, physical or social [humiliation, rejection, embarrassment] threats of danger…) happen at once.

Fear, worry and anxiety can lead to panic, irritability and more nervousness—you may be overly emotional and unable to sit still…or withdrawn, depressed, unemotional and lacking energy (your response is subjective—it differs for each of us).

But whatever your level of stress, there are ways you can cope:

Take a walk, either by yourself (and use positive self-talk in your head) or walk with a trusted friend (and share what’s happening in your life so you can get a different perspective). Exercise is a great stress reliever—it releases endorphins into your body AND helps you let off steam. By taking a walk you take yourself out of a stressful situation and return with a new frame of mind.

Take time to relax all your muscles in your body (tense and release all of your muscle groups with Progressive Muscle Relaxation).

Take a mental break and try to envision a relaxing scene (perhaps on a tropical beach or floating on cool, clear waters or a quiet place in the woods or a favorite childhood spot or sitting by a fire in a secluded snow cabin or a therapist’s chair or listening to soothing background music…) in which you feel at peace, free to let go of all tension and anxiety (use guided imagery…it’s like a vivid daydream. Stay in that scene as long as you like and enjoy your surroundings and when you are ready to come back to reality count back from twenty and tell yourself that when you get to one you’ll feel more calm and refreshed).

Or use mindfulness meditation (being fully engaged in the present moment) combined with an awareness of your breath.

And don’t forget about candle gazing—to create inner silence and peace.

In my next Blog post I’ll share how to take a mini-relaxation break. And I’ll talk about self-massage.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

And when you have been the caretaker and have seen your parent find peace, there is a wide array of feelings—sadness mixed with relief (which, if your parent was suffering, is actually an expression of your love for them), affection (mixed with resentments that completely wash away), and appreciation mixed with sharp criticism.

It can be difficult and depressing…an emotional roller coaster…to see someone you love slip away. (That’s why it’s so important to have supports around you and to take care of your mental and physical self.)

But it can also be an emotionally and spiritually rewarding experience if you are honest with your feelings and openly discuss them (thereby helping yourself put matters into perspective), and work to have a positive attitude.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

And, should any seek to harm you at any time, may they so contact your thoughts of (God) Good, that they will be instantly healed of their error.

Thanks for sharing this benediction with me Roy.
May we all learn to live within this “BENEDICTION” which your Mom slipped into the Bible, which she gave to you when you left Egypt to join the Marauder Squadron in Italy in World War II.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

I’ll always love you.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

He looked at me and said, “Well, at least the important one was celebrated—Mom’s! And our anniversary!”

I thought he was telling me it wasn’t important for him to celebrate his own birthday. And frankly, I was surprised because I would have thought that turning 90 would be a big deal for anyone. But Dad knew he was running out of time.

A week later in March Dad tried calling my sister, Marlene, and I but both of us were not around. When I got home and called the nurse back, Dad was already in bed. She said Dad had wanted to tell us something—I thought perhaps it was the fact he was unable to walk anymore.

On my next visit with him at the end of March he was visibly weaker physically and had a wan, empty look in his eyes but mentally he was doing well so I was able to have great conversations with him, including about my upcoming book.

This was when he told me he had been feeling Cindy’s presence for months…and he told me her presence was getting stronger. For me that should have been a realization his death was approaching quickly because I couldn’t feel her presence at all. (I thought he still had a lot more time than he actually did. Even being at his bedside several days before he died, I still had no idea his end was about to come so quickly.)

He was comforted by the feeling of Cindy being near and was not at all disturbed by it. I can now see that he knew he was dying…and he was preparing and planning for it. (In fact he had started preparing for it many months before when he told me what he wanted to say in letters to each of his family members…in case he couldn’t say it to them in person…and what he wanted them to have that Christmas.)

In March we looked through his photo albums and began creating a scrapbook of his life.

Looking back on it all I see Dad taught me there is so much more to dying than the physical journey. I watched him work through his existential suffering and frustration while he declined and experienced greater limitations and dependency. I was blessed and honored to be a witness to his dying process—to share in his journey…to watch, to listen, to learn, to assist when and in whatever manner he needed, and to help him transition from this life.

I watched him find peace.

And watching him refuse pain medication those last days of his life, I knew he was strong…and was taking his illness gracefully.

He was ready to go.

I know he chose the moment of his dying because he waited until both my sister (Marlene) and I were at his bedside…just as he promised.

Dad taught me that there is nothing to fear in dying. And he taught me how to live.

His death was beautiful and peaceful and loving—certainly the way I would want to die.

Despite his peaceful and prepared death and knowing I was reconciled with what was happening, I still felt a great loss as grief settled into my heart after he left.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Even though she has Alzheimer’s, I think deep down my Mom must know her husband is dead because she has given up on life (she is ‘closed off’ and no longer eating). And yet, she told me he visits her every day.

And I received no usual smile from her.

This is a sad time for my family and I, and I appreciate your continued words of encouragement and love.

Thank you!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

On the day before they died, their daughter Jan Griffin of La Mesa arranged for an ambulance to bring Lou from the retirement home to Sharp Grossmont Hospital to say goodbye to Patricia. Lying in the gurney, Lou was wheeled next to Patricia’s hospital bed so they could look at each other and hold hands. During their visit, Lou didn’t say much, but Patricia removed the breathing ventilator mask momentarily to say, “I love you, so long, I’ll see you in another place.”

Then, Lou returned to the retirement home, but he didn’t sleep that night and he refused to eat. The next day, at the same hour when Patricia passed, Lou’s breathing changed visibly, weaker and irregular. Five hours later, before the sun set, both Lou and Patricia were gone.

Would you rather go first? Or have your spouse go first? Why?

Do you have a story similar to this one?

Or did something strange happen when a loved one passed?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James