You may be struggling with the mistaken belief that someone’s death was your fault. (“If only I had stopped him/her.” “I should have seen it coming.” “I upset him/her.” “I pushed him/her too hard.” “I should have got him/her help.” “I should have paid more attention.” …)
Please know that there are a lot of reasons why people commit suicide (or try to), and very rarely is it directly someone else’s fault! (It’s usually a distortion in thinking—how someone perceives what’s happening to her/him and s/he feels suicide is the only way out.)
“I was just trying to escape [my problems].”
“I wanted to get away from what was going on.”
“I figured it was the best way to deal with my horrible existence.”
“I didn’t really want to die…I just wanted the pain to stop!”
“It felt like there was no other way out.”
“I hated myself.”
“I hated my life.”
“I couldn’t deal with the pressure.”
“I just wanted relief from [really bad thoughts or feelings].”
“Nobody cared.”
“What else could I do?”
Some people who’ve attempted suicide (and some who end their lives with notes left behind) were trying to get away from feelings of rejection, hurt, or loss.
Others were angry, ashamed, or guilty about something.
And others were worried about disappointing friends or family members.
And some felt unwanted, unloved, victimized, or like they were a burden to others.
Again, it’s not your fault.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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Hi, Melanie:
Very true – a suicide is rarely someone else’s fault. And the reasons you’ve outlined here for those who have ended their lives (or attempted to) are very accurate also.
Take Care,
March 4, 2008 @ 4:42 amAdam
Hi Melanie;
I remember this story very well. I remember how it was reported in the media. I don’t believe your sister was mentally ill. I think she had too many people around her that would have suspected if she was. If she suffered from a disassociative disorder she would have had large gaps of time missing from her life. The only gaps in time she was missing was when she was assaulted. Which when there is a trauma, especially a head trauma, a person often forgets.
March 13, 2008 @ 1:05 pmI remember when your sister was found. I remember thinking that there was no way a person could “hog tie” themselves the way your sister had. Especially after an overdose. She would have vomitted. Where was the evidence of that. To my understanding there wasn’t any which would indicate she either vomitted somewhere else or she was unconcious when she was placed in her final resting place and wasn’t capable. Either way she wouldn’t have been able to achieve that on her own.