After my sister Cindy died in 1989, I hated myself for not having helped her out more in 1986 before I moved to the Yukon—3 years earlier when Cindy was severely depressed after the house fire, she had tried to starve herself to death and I had been afraid. I hadn’t known what to do. And I felt I should have known what to do. It had seemed nothing was helpful enough.

It wasn’t until a few years after her death that I read about how to get through to a severely depressed person. (And please understand that at the 1990 inquest her doctor said that although he was treating her for depression, he also said, “I saw no evidence for there being any suicidal ideation or planning in 1989.”)

I desperately wanted to have helped Cindy and made a difference in her life but now I realize that she would have had to accept my help and also disclose her needs, which I know she rarely did. And I used to believe I should be able to know what another person was truly feeling and thinking if I was perceptive enough and could see through their pretending. Many times I could see. Sometimes I couldn’t.

And I have learned that life is a two-way street. I was always very vulnerable and took criticism personally and chose to feel hurt. I still believe I have control of my feelings and must take the responsibility for them (and believe others must do the same for themselves) but I am now more aware (through introspection) of why I allow myself to feel a certain way at any given time.

And I always analyzed everything and tried to set goals and tried to be productive. I also took the time to do those leisure activities I enjoyed but there was usually a timetable with it. Finally I learned to really relax and not worry so much. I learned how to have uninhibited fun and give myself permission to laugh. I was often so serious and introspective and then I saw how short life really is and I learned to enjoy my life instead of working so hard at it.

When the pain of Cindy’s death seemed too much to bear, I persisted with working out the hurt, the fear, and the anger…. I had been so afraid to give in to the pain but I learned that I could climb out of those “ditches.” By allowing myself to go into the ditches and flounder around in the mud for a while I learned about myself and grew as a person.

Yes, I have learned a lot and some things within myself have changed. And although I can see changes I still hope to make, at least I am trying and growing.

It takes courage to allow yourself to really see who you are and try to change those things you don’t like.

“And after your death, when most of you for the first time realize what life here is all about, you will begin to see that your life here is almost nothing but the sum total of every choice you have made during every moment of your life.” – Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James