I had started my grieving in the years my Mother lived with Alzheimer’s…and it grew in intensity in the years before her death…as she gradually evaporated before my eyes.

For several months after her husband of 68 years died in June 2010, she’d displayed a disinterest in life and started to wither away. (She had stopped eating and barely consumed enough liquid to keep her body going—so it appeared she knew what it meant when, after the third time, I told her, “Otto died. He’s in heaven now.”)

Seeing her decline, I prepared myself for the worst.

But then, that September, she rebounded (it was as if she “woke up”) and she plodded on with life.

But I could see the changes.

Things just weren’t the same with her.

She had slowed down. She looked so much older. She was falling out of bed. She became wheelchair bound…and then she declined to the point it became difficult to transfer her into a vehicle.  With help from a hired rehab assistant, Mom did strength-training exercises, some walking and practiced wheelchair-to-car transfers.

So last December when my husband and I took her for an outing to the mall to soak in the wonder of Christmas, pushing her in her wheelchair, cozy blanket wrapped around her legs, giving her plenty of time to touch fabrics and watch children with Santa (who smiled and waved at Mom) and gaze at winter displays while she sipped an orange Julius, I was thrilled we were once again able to take her out…but I had a wee sense that all was not well in her world—her color seemed…well it seemed a bit off…like the color Dad had in the month-and-a-half before he passed away. Yet Mom was happy and smiling and stayed awake for hours…not wanting to miss a thing, I suspect! What a wonderful time we had and I was excited for our next outing!

Even though I had seen the color change in Mom’s skin, I have to say I was still shocked when I got the phone call in Jan…only three-and-a-half weeks later…informing me that she hadn’t eaten for two days and was shaking her head “No” to fluids and food.

It was as if she had already decided…

Palliative meds were ordered…

My four-and-a-half hour drive to her seemed soooo long! I was able to think about the fact this was probably IT…she wasn’t going to recover this time.

So yes, I had done some grieving before Mom passed away…I had known this day was coming.

Even so, it was still a jolt when it happened.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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