One woman shared with me how tough it had been for her to get rid of her parents’ belongings after they died. The process, because it included seeing, touching and smelling their possessions, dredged up countless memories…and feelings. When she re-framed it as redistributing her parents’ love, it made the job so much easier.
For another woman, sorting through her father’s things, there were smiles mixed in with the tears. Tucked within pages of his favorite books, included in the paid bills, and even stashed in jacket pockets, he had left notes for his daughter. She found messages such as “I love you more than a father could ever hope to love a child,” and “I’m very proud of you.” She also found lovely poems and the scribbled words to the lullaby he had sung to her as a baby. And, folded in the envelope with his will was a faded photograph taken during World War II. It was of a smiling handsome RAF captain in dress uniform balancing her, then as a toddler, on his shoulders. The notes from her father were both heartwarming and heart wrenching, but she cherishes the remembrances and gifts he left for her all the same.
Another woman came up with a clever way to keep all 200 of her father’s ties—by creating heart-shaped wall hangings from them: “I cherish them because they’re a way to honor both parents, since my mom always picked my dad’s ties. “So it became a way to keep something that’s a part of both of them and give it new life.”
Another adult child pared down her parents’ stuff while they were living… not waiting until they died.
Some people get stuck and say, “We can’t let go of Mom’s [or Dad’s] things. Removing them would make us feel like we’re getting rid of her [or him].”
Remember, there’s no rush. And having an understanding friend or partner helping you, can make the task so much easier. Reward yourself for small accomplishments…maybe go for a walk…or? …
Ideally, the clearing-out process is a healing time for siblings to go through and reminisce. Holding on to particular items that have special meaning or value is a good way to honor a loved one’s memory.
When my Mom died, my siblings and I gave some of her furniture and clothing to the facility where she lived. We also gave items to charity and kept some things for ourselves for sentimental reasons.
Her easy chair, the one that I ‘slept’ in (that was right beside her bed) while I maintained a vigil during her last days, now sits in my family room. Sometimes I just sit in it…and calmness comes over me as I recall listening to the transient relaxation tape that played during Mom’s final days and hours. Even while sitting in it and watching TV or reading, I have to smile…because I feel Mom’s love.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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