Loving and then “letting go” is one of the toughest lessons I’ve ever faced in my life.
But it’s a lesson every one of us confronts at some time.
Most relationships are limited in time; People die. Pets die. People leave. Sometimes pets are given away because they elicit allergies. Grown children move away….
We change our hearts or our minds or our interests in people.
We grow. We move on. And sometimes we make a decision to leave people or pets behind and regret it later.
It’s simply a fact of life that relationships change. And if we can accept it…and not take it as a personal assault…it would help us deal more successfully with separation and loss.
In order to help release yourself from suffering and to ease and expand your life, try cultivating your ability to let go.
From birth onward you have a wealth of experience with endings and changes. (That doesn’t guarantee an ability to handle them well.) Many times separation and loss can threaten you at your roots…at your ability to survive…creating a primitive anxiety about not being able to survive a loss. I felt that way when Cindy died. I’d experienced losses in my life, but the death of my sister was something that took me to the edge of life. Although I continued to function outwardly, after her death I’d really shut down inside. Honestly, at one point I didn’t care if I lived any more! –Life seemed completely meaningless. And I felt I had nothing to give. And I didn’t care!
Some people who reach the point I did often have relationships tinged with great need—they may cling and may not be able to act or express themselves, or they may demand too much or too little.
When a relationship ends or you get rejected or you experience a loss, abandonment or desertion (or even experience a fear of those things), you can be hit with feelings of anger or failure.
And if you haven’t learned to tolerate sadness or anger, or the many moments of emptiness in life, you can lose self-sufficiency and/or become uncompassionate or callous. So instead of avoiding the natural feelings that accompany parting, you need to be able to separate and still feel whole and satisfied with yourself and with those from whom you part.
Try to face an issue directly, communicate about it, and let go of having to be “right”. –Doing all these things can help you cope and survive.
Good-byes hurt—But they don’t need to be devastating.
I know when you’re in the depths of grief it’s hard to believe the hurt will pass, but it will—especially if there is a clear choice not to turn the pain and grief inward and into long-term suffering.
Be gentle with yourself.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James