Terminally ill patients have a common desire: to be treated as live human beings until the moment they die.

Sometimes they ask, “Am I dying?” as a way of gauging your feelings.

Instead of attempting to play God with a yes or no answer, reflect the question back: “I don’t know. How are you feeling?”

One full-time mother says she was relieved to learn that the origin of ‘good-bye’ is “God be with you.” “It made talking to my dying father about what he meant to me seem like less of a heavy final exchange and more like an ongoing kind of blessing,” she says.

It’s hard to say good-bye—but you don’t have to ‘say’ anything.

Just show up.

Be there.

46-year-old Susan says she felt awkward while listening to the eloquent words of comfort her siblings were giving their dying mother. “Everything I thought of saying either sounded like a lame echo of theirs or like a cliché that Mom would know wasn’t really me. So instead I just sat next to her and held her hand for hours,” she says. “From the way she gripped it back, even in her weak state, I know it meant a lot to her.”

Foot rubs, stroking an arm or shoulder, kisses, smiles, and gazing into someone’s eyes all communicate compassion, love, and gratitude for a shared lifetime. With or without accompanying conversation, your presence and your touch rank among the most eloquent, regret-free ways there are of saying good-bye.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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