During one autumn the Whitehorse Hospice children’s grief recovery program that I co-facilitated brought raw, painful feelings to the surface…for me, as well as the children. And for me, when combined with an acquisition of a deeper connection with them, I was able to cry for Larry, my brother-in-law who died in 1973, for the first time in over twenty years. I asked my sister, Marlene (his wife), for more details about Larry’s death and as she obliged she also shared what she had gone through so many years earlier—It not only brought us closer together but I also understood the great sorrow she had lived with for so long.

And combined with the not knowing (at that time) about what happened to my sister Cindy when she died, it made me realize I was feeling the same intense sense of loss whenever I left my daughter behind. Every time I left her behind it felt like a reminder of when I was that little girl who lost her brother-in-law so long ago…and I also felt I was abandoning my daughter because my sister Cindy had died and I had “left Cindy behind” when I moved to the Yukon three years before her death.

I shared all this with a Hospice co-worker and her advice was for me to tell my daughter, “I’m going away, but I’ll be back,” every time I had to leave. Hearing the, “I’ll be back,” helped heal the little girl in me plus that part of the woman who had this unresolved grief and fear of somehow abandoning her daughter.

I gained an enormous respect for the necessity of grieving our losses at the time of those losses. The tremendous power of grief can control us for our whole life, if we don’t let it out. Permitting ourselves to grieve our losses allows us to continue growing.

I was so proud of the little children at Hospice as they released their energy through talking and crying and drawing pictures (including the “ugliest” ones they could create), making collages, creating shields, and bringing in favorite photos of the people they lost. They were so courageous and brave to show their grief and to work on their healing. They truly earned both the power rocks and blessing stones they received and the “knighting” ceremony at the end of the program.

This is the reason why part of my life now is devoted to grief and loss and healing…and helping others reach their potential—My personal experiences with death have given me such an understanding and appreciation for the grieving process.

Grieve now. Don’t put it off. Don’t bury it.

It will always come back (or stay with you in the form of ill health and problems) as unfinished business until you work through it and resolve it.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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