How did you do it?” Carol asked me, knowing she was facing an overwhelming situation.

She wanted to ‘be with’ her mother who was dying with Alzheimer’s, just as my Mom had.

Carol was unable to carry on a conversation with her mother about what her mother was feeling and thinking as her body and mind deteriorated.

With the best of her ability, Carol had coped with being an impotent bystander to her mother’s suffering and decline, knowing she couldn’t make her Mom any better.

She had watched, over time, as her mother experienced panic, obsession, distraction and delusion.

She had watched and assisted as walking, balance and movement had become increasingly difficult for her Mom…those progressive changes as her motor functions became impaired, eventually seeing her Mom chair-bound and then bed-bound when Shirley could no longer hold up her head.

She had watched as Shirley’s personality changed…and as her Mom smiled less and less, experiencing loss of facial expression.

And she helped out more and more as Shirley had increasing difficulty with eating and swallowing…leading to weight loss and dehydration.

And then there were the more frequent infections Shirley experienced…a urinary tract infection, pneumonia…

It was an understatement to say Carol was exhausted from the care taking. She was emotionally drained. And she was constantly on the verge of tears.

“Here’s a thought.” I said. “Hold your Mom’s frail and paper-skinned hand. Kiss her cheek and her forehead. Brush what hair she has left. And tell her stories that you remember about the two of you. It doesn’t matter if she understands what you are saying—she will hear your loving voice and feel comfort.”

“And I have to pass on some great advice someone shared with me: ‘Don’t let this horrible end rob you of the amazing story that went before.’ ”

I can tell you from my own experience, you will get through this…even if it is in a haze.

Take a deep breath…and a wee bit of time to recharge yourself.

And forgive yourself for what you perceive as your imperfect efforts to be totally responsive as more and more expectations were placed upon you.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James