Some dying people show increased anxiety and fear as death draws nearer.

Sometimes this is an indication that something unresolved, unfinished, or unreconciled, over some important issue or with some significant relationship, is disturbing them…and preventing them from letting go.

And sometimes it is an indication that the person is ready to say good-bye but is testing you to see if you are ready to let that person go.

It can be hard to pinpoint exactly what could be happening with your beloved as you watch her/him perform repetitive and restless tasks or hear them make a seemingly out of character or non sequitur statement (a thought that does not logically follow what has just been said), gesture, or request. But there are ways to help the person find release from the tension or fear. Here are some things that may be helpful in calming the person:

Recall aloud a favorite place the person enjoyed, or a favorite experience they had—favorite memories, places, and activities you shared.

Read something comforting to them.

Ask them if there is someone special they wish to speak with.

Play their favorite music.

Ask gentle questions about what they are seeing or feeling but respect their right to say nothing—be aware when they want to remain in silence, but let them know you are still listening.

And accept the moment of letting go as a beautiful gift when it is offered.

A dying person will normally try to hold on, even though it brings prolonged discomfort, in order to be sure those who are going to be left behind will be all right. So release the dying person from this concern—give him/her assurance that it is all right to let go whenever s/he is ready—acknowledge the difficulty of letting go. Yes, giving permission to your loved one to let go, without making him/her guilty for leaving or trying to keep him/her with you to meet your own needs, can be difficult. But it is one of the greatest gifts you have to give your loved one at this time.

When the person is ready to die and you are able to let go, then is the time to say good-bye. Saying good-bye is your final gift of love to your loved one, for it achieves closure and makes the final release possible.

Tears are a normal and natural part of saying good-bye. Tears do not need to be hidden from your loved one or apologized for. Tears express your love and help you to let go.

So kiss…hug…lie in bed and hold the person…cry…take his/her hand…and say whatever you most need to say—everything you need to say…

“I love you.”

“I’m sorry for whatever I contributed to any tension or difficulties in our relationship.”

“Thank you for…”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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