A grieving mother shared the following:

“One thing I wanted to talk to you about is things people say when a loved one dies. I know people are well meaning and I am sure I have said things when consoling others that now I find abhorrent.

“The worst was and still is, ‘She is in a better place.’

“One couple that has an only child – a daughter with special needs like ours – said to me that ——– was better off and that I no longer had to worry about her future. I had to walk away from them before I hit them. I know what they meant though and they meant their words to be comforting and I felt so guilty afterwards for being so harsh on them. You worry so much about a child with special needs and what will happen to them as they and you get older. They are easy targets for being taken advantage of – particularly girls – and you worry about what will happen when you are no longer able to look after them. My children always said they would look after ——– – always be there for her – always have a home for her – but that is them and maybe their future spouses or ways of life would not allow them to care for her. What then – you don’t want siblings to jeopardize their happiness or future as well meaning as they want to be – and perhaps it could work out just fine.

“I remember another mum saying she occasionally thought when she could no longer care for her daughter that she would do a murder/suicide. She could not bear the thought of her daughter being alone without her, not knowing who and how and if she would be loved and cared for, nor the pain and anxiety she was sure her daughter would suffer if her mother and only caregiver died – her father had died when she was a child. Would her child understand death or would she think her mother had deserted her – real concerns with children of special need. I can totally understand that way of thinking but I sure didn’t need to hear it when ——– died.

“It made me wonder if ——— thought I had let her die so I would not have to worry about her anymore – how irrational is that.

“Anyhow if nothing else it has made me aware of how words said in comfort and consolation can sometimes be misinterpreted and hurtful to a person who is grieving. The times I have had to offer consolation to others since ——– died I now merely say, ‘My condolences.’ … ‘I am so sad for you and your family.’ … ‘If there is anything I can do.’ … Or just merely a hug expresses it all.

“Words, no matter how well intentioned, can be hurtful and more so when you are grieving and not thinking straight.”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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