It doesn’t matter how much time has passed or how much our life has changed, when anniversary dates of a loved one’s death roll around it’s natural that we remember, we mourn, and we feel:

Today my thoughts are on —–. He went missing [in September] 35 years ago and then on the 27th [of that month] he was found.
Man I really miss him!!
~M

It isn’t fair is it?
Thanks, M, for sharing your feelings.

Some cultures celebrate death anniversaries (deathday)…in China it’s called jìchén; in Japan: shotsuki meinichi; in India: shraadh; In Korea: gije; in Vietnam…and so on.

But it doesn’t matter what you call it…they are all festive occasions, generally for family (and sometimes close friends), who gather together in a private ceremony and enjoy a banquet of the deceased person’s favorite food (and special dishes only prepared for this occasion)…and sometimes incense is burned.

When my sister Cindy died, I knew nothing about such a ceremony. Yet it’s interesting how one day, not that long after her death, my family and I held a special buffet luncheon in Cindy’s honor.

We bought all of Cindy’s favorite foods and everybody had to eat a bit of everything. We had pickles, corn, black olives, French pastries, cindybuns (a type of doughnut), popcorn, a special kind of orange drink, Blue Nun wine, a huge, wonderful salad without mushrooms, pea soup, sliced meats and other items I cannot remember.

It was a very special meal.

One minute I was laughing, well smiling at least, feeling a connection to my family, and the next minute I was in tears and escaping outside to try and breathe, overwhelmed with grief and just wanting Cindy to be with us again. Please, just one more time, I pleaded to the universe—just for a few minutes longer. I held tight to the railing around her deck and sobbed until Mom found me and cried with me. I just wanted Cindy back. Later in the evening we had pizza and potato chips, also foods Cindy enjoyed.

I saw family members trying to be positive and hopeful and cheerful but there was still a cloud of sadness around us. As I ate, I looked at my family members and wondered when I was going to wake up from this bizarre experience. I also wondered how we would…or if we would…celebrate Cindy’s birthday.

Since then we have all raised our glasses, on many occasions, in a toast to Cindy. And although my family of origin and I rarely are together on her death anniversary (because we all live so far apart), I still have my own private ceremony in her honor…and I’ll share some of that with you in another Blog post.

So don’t be afraid to celebrate your loved one’s death anniversary (his/her life) and remember.

It doesn’t matter how long ago s/he died!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James