A testament to survival:

“I don’t think, in our deepest heart, we accept the death until we see the body. When we viewed the body of our daughter, who drowned, I remember to this day the comment that my wife said to me. She said, ‘Oh, Tom, it’s her. It’s really her.’ And we’d already known about her death for twelve hours. And it was like I really didn’t believe it, but now I have to believe it. I also found it a wonderful thing to hug her and say goodbye.

“And we went to the accident site. It was important to us. And our two older children went with us—they wanted to see the scene of the accident. I asked everybody, ‘Do you really want to see where she died?’ And they all said, ‘Oh yeah! It’s really important to us.’ And it was. But I know everybody doesn’t always feel that way…I have friends who’ve lost a child and they just couldn’t go…and there are people who tend a loved one’s grave every day and others who can’t go to the grave at all…ever!

“You have to give people the freedom to be different! And I know people who didn’t see the body of their loved one and really grieve that fact, and other people who grieve other things they did or didn’t do…and have carried that for years. To those people I say, ‘You have to remember, you did the best that you could at the time!’

“And remember, grief crying is a stress reliever—In grief you know why you’re crying [as opposed to when you’re depressed]. I know some people think that letting go of the pain is the same thing as letting go of the loved one—you know… that fear that you’ll forget. But it isn’t like that. The interesting thing is that the further it goes out, the more you remember! In fact, you remember more of those happy memories. And some people think that if they start crying they’ll never stop. But it doesn’t work that way!

“And yes, you have to compartmentalize your feelings to a certain extent and decide where you want to cry. And it helps if you can talk about what you’re feeling…even if only for a few minutes…to relieve some of the stress.

“And you have to realize that if there are other children…siblings of the child who died…you have to be careful and not portray the one who died as someone who was superhuman. Please don’t build them up to be that. Siblings have told me that it’s very hard living with that portrayal…that they feel that the ‘good one’ is gone.

“And remember, it’s never too late to get help for unresolved issues! Sometimes you need outside help.”

~Thoughts from a family practitioner.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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