Children, unlike adults, grieve sporadically (they cry for a while and then they want to play—their overt sadness can appear short-lived, or they may appear indifferent, unaffected, or perhaps even callous) because it is hard for them to tolerate intense sadness or anger. They tend initially to deny and avoid experiencing the loss.
Their experience and expression of grief varies depending on many things:
- Their age,
- Their sex,
- Developmental level,
- Life experiences,
- Loss experiences,
- Personality,
- Coping style,
- Family attitudes,
- Cultural background,
- Current environment,
- Family communication and dynamics,
- Availability of support,
- Nature of the loss or death,
- Preparation for the death, and
- Their perceived relationship with the deceased.
As they age, children need to revisit grief so they can change the way they perceive death. Their grief is reflected in changes in their behavior (sleeplessness, nightmares, clinging behavior, trouble in school, anger, mischievousness, etc.).
Normal expressions of grief in children – a desire to be rocked or nursed, a request to be helped with a task they normally do alone, the desire to sleep with a parent, etc. – should be tolerated and indulged.
Often children become overly dependent on a parent or a caregiver (fearful that the other parent will die), can regress back to baby talk and mannerisms of an earlier time, or may try to avoid school and take on the role of being sick. Over time such behaviors and expressions should decrease. But if they do manifest for a prolonged time and seem intense, the child could be in complicated grief and help should be sought.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James