I know some people think they are protecting their child by not talking about a death (as happened in my family when my brother-in-law died when I was 12), but that adds to the child’s fears because they think it is so horrible it can’t be talked about.

And it is really important to let a child know that they did not cause a death (yes, many children secretly believe they did something “bad” to cause the person to “go away”) and to tell them what did. Many kids blame their thoughts or actions for the death and then they bathe themselves in guilt, anger and self-punishment.

Find out what a child is afraid of, reassure them they are loved (hugs are important), give them opportunity to express their feelings and let them know it’s natural to feel:

• Anger over being abandoned,
• Guilty as if they caused the death,
• Fear that they will lose someone else, and
• Panic at being left alone.

Sit with them and listen to them (be “really present” and available) or find someone they feel comfortable with.

Give them rituals and times to remember the person who died.

You can help them express their memories, sorrows, fears, regrets, relief/anger, and guilt, through:

• Play,
• By creating a memory book with notes and pictures about the person who died,
• By collecting home movies and tape recordings,
• By using books and stories,
• By having them make pictures, or
• By creating a memory box from a shoebox (to hold special treasures from the past).

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James