On June 2nd 1988 (Cindy died the following year) Cindy was watching a special program on TV about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in Vietnam vets and identified with a lot of the symptoms being described—nightmares, anxiety, anger, mistrust of people, flashbacks and suicidal feelings.
In her journal she wrote:
“As the man said, ‘It’s not just the memories, it’s breaking down under it that is so hard.’ I know what he means. Sometimes when the memories become overwhelming, I feel as though I’m only now allowing myself to feel the terror and pain I couldn’t deal with at the time. I had to wall the feelings off or I wouldn’t have survived. I also understand why they find it so hard to talk about. You feel like no one will really understand but also you’re afraid of being overwhelmed by your own feelings to the point of where you feel trapped forever in the heart of it. But I don’t feel the urge to do violence that they describe except for the suicidal feelings.”
The next day she tried to consciously block out unpleasant memories from intruding fully into her thoughts and wrote in her journal, “I’ve been successful which feels good.”
In another Blog post I’ll talk about what recent Iraq and Afghanistan vets have to say about their experiences with PTSD.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James