During my grieving, as I took a step and experienced a specific emotion (such as anger over the injustices bestowed upon Cindy and myself), I was learning something about myself, and growing and slowly healing and moving forward. Later on I revisited that anger for further healing but with a slightly different perspective with newer insights, realizing I had to stop judging and start reining in my anger and appreciating the broader picture—to eventually work on forgiving not only my mistakes, but also what I saw as the mistakes of others, especially those of my family.

As Elbert Hubbard, American writer, publisher, artist and philosopher, who died almost 100 years ago, emphasized, I had to learn to walk calmly in my path and not judge other people because I might be condemning myself in the process. I needed to learn to move on with my life and trust other people while realizing that neither I nor anyone else is infallible.

From it all I learned to forgive mistakes—to choose to grow.

I discovered I wasn’t at the same place I had started at—I had come full circle but was at a newer, higher level. I had progressed in a spiral fashion and had grown intellectually and emotionally. When I accepted that nothing could ever bring Cindy back, I had to look to the future and try to find the greater meaning in her life and death—the ultimate lesson. It was so hard. Since I wasn’t able to take in all of the pain of grief at once, my mind let in only a little at a time. I was taking baby steps before I could walk and then eventually running when I was ready—when I was stronger.

Or, like riding a roller coaster, I went from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find myself back in those negative feelings again. This happened over and over and over again—only this roller coaster didn’t take me back to the beginning. I was on a journey of growth that took me as far as I was willing to go depending on how much effort and “work” I put in.

I was always learning something even if I didn’t see it at the time!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James