So when we talk about replacing a beloved pet that has died, do you wait until after your bereavement period and adopt the replacement pet as a “new” pet?

Do you adopt during the normal bereavement period to help repair the damaged affection, the lost friendship, the missing closeness, the lost companionship, the missing unconditional love, the lost … whatever?

Or do you adopt another pet when the other one shows signs of aging (before the old one dies) and possibly have to deal with aggression from the old one (because it feels vulnerable and threatened) or competition between the two as the new one tries to “fit in”.

And what if the new pet misses and mourns the old one after it dies? –Yet another concern to deal with!

If you purchase a new pet during the bereavement period, you may transfer part of the lost attachment to the new animal—so the new pet then plays the role of a transitional object. But that doesn’t sound healthy, does it?

Well the good news is that the new pet can become the new attachment figure. In this way the new pet is speeding up the bereavement process.

But if you acquire a new pet during “difficult” bereavement (when you’re finding it impossible to accept the death, or if you’re staying in the numb stage, or if you have unresolved issues …), the new pet will be compared to the dead one and the dead pet will be worshiped, forcing the new pet to deal with “mixed” love and rejection messages from you.

So if you want to adopt a new pet and call it by the same name as the deceased one, chances are you haven’t moved through the bereavement process far enough—you’ll be faced with confused feelings and painful memories.

After the death feel your emotions–the anger, the sadness, the despair … , allow yourself to cry, and know it’s Ok to withdraw for a bit to tend to yourself.

Remember, you’ll never forget your loving deceased pet…you can’t replace him, but you can love another.

Adopt a pet when you are ready to make a new commitment to an animal.

Otherwise, instant cures can lead to other problems—like believing you can have other instant fixes (like turning to drugs, or alcohol, or food) when things go wrong and you don’t know how else to dull the pain.

Contrary to the comical suggestion in the recent TV video bit, you wouldn’t replace your mother or father if either of them died. A close family pet is no different!

So if someone suggests you replace your pet or tells you they are going to get you a new one, search inside yourself and let them know if you are ready for a new commitment. (Sometimes people don’t want to see another person hurting anymore, so they come up with a solution because they don’t want to deal with their feelings any more…and that doesn’t mean their need is the same as yours.)

Do what is healthiest for you! –And yes, sometimes that means it’s healthy to adopt during normal bereavement.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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