When my sister, Cindy James, died, I found it hard to believe it was a reality—I was in shock and bathed in numbness, disbelief, denial (and eventually acceptance).

When the numbness wore off I felt intense emotional pain and gut-wrenching emptiness (and it was scary) but I learned this was a natural, common, and healthy process, and it gradually diminished (but reappeared as an anniversary reaction). While in this stage of mourning I “searched” for Cindy, called out to her, cried, and eventually realized she was still with me in my heart and my remembrances of her.

I was obsessed (consumed) with thoughts and memories and felt irritable and “not myself,” at times unable to function.

I had trouble with my appetite, my sleep and my energy level.

I felt restless and lost interest in activities I had enjoyed.

I had trouble concentrating. I daydreamed and experienced confusion and forgetfulness.

I battled with guilt (Could/Should I have done more? How? What?).

And at times I even wished I were dead (I wanted to see Cindy again but I also wanted my pain to end).

I even battled with depression.

And through it all I sought the help of Hospice and counseling.

I learned I could survive Cindy’s death—not only survive her death but also eventually return to a rewarding and fulfilling life.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James