What is the greatest gift you can give someone in grief?

From my experience it’s a memory!

It’s as simple as that.

And it’s free!

All you have to do is write down your memory of the person who has died.

But write it as clearly and exactly as you can…with lots of details! –Make your experience come alive on the paper. This is what you can give someone who is grieving.

It’s a beautiful gift because it is another picture…another snapshot…of the life of the person who has died. 

Hearing recollections, even years later, feels wonderful…feels electric…feels energizing…feels soothing…because often, when we are in mourning, we think our beloved is only a phantom. 

I know it sounds remarkable, but we wonder, “Did s/he ever exist?” We are afraid of no longer remembering what his/her voice sounded like or the feel of his/her hand. And that’s a terrifying thought…to not only have your beloved physically gone, but also to fear losing your sensory information of them…to fear losing the proof they even existed at all! –To have them simply evaporate!

So when you write down your memory, don’t be afraid about whether or not you’ll have something meaningful to share (believe me, all memories are meaningful).

And don’t be fearful it will hurt…of course it hurts.  But pain is not the worst thing in the world, and this is the lesson the grieving person lives. 

And don’t be worried about embarrassment—that should be the lesson for those of us who would like to help. 

Evasion is worse. So don’t scoot down a nearby aisle of the grocery store or walk out another door of the train—don’t avoid someone. It’s enough to just say, “I’m so glad to see you.”

Forgetting is worse.

So give your memories.

Share what is heartfelt.

Take my word for it—a memory truly is the greatest gift!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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