To most of us it is incomprehensible that our children will die before we do—no matter what age they die (although the impact will be different)!

(It is the order of nature to expect elderly people to die first. The death of a younger person disrupts this order.)

If your friend is a parent who has lost a child (and it doesn’t matter how old the child was), don’t be afraid to talk with them and listen patiently—again and again. (They need more than anything to talk about the child, tell stories about the child’s life and to mourn all the events that will never happen.)

At some point you will need to reflect the feelings of unfairness back to the grieving parent.

Use the child’s name when you ask gentle questions about the illness, death (whether accident/suicide/murder/natural disaster or other) and funeral.

Stay calm and centered as you encourage the grieving parent to concentrate on the thoughts and feelings that come up. Don’t judge. Avoid clichés.

If intense emotional reactions come up (whether shame, guilt, disbelief or something else), be reassuring and accepting.

There are no answers to the why’s, if only’s, what’s and what ifs:

• Why did s/he have to die?
• Why did s/he have to be sick?
• Why so young?
• Why now?
• Why didn’t I try to stop him/her?
• Why couldn’t I have prevented it?
• Why didn’t s/he leave me a note?
• What did I do wrong? (Self-blame)
• Why couldn’t it have been me? I’m old and ready to go.
• If only I had tried to stop him/her.
• What if I had…?
• What if I never…?

Again, there are no answers.

Don’t be surprised if ambivalence toward surviving children is expressed—it’s perfectly normal but very hard for parents to express, accept and work through.

And grieving parents can also feel anger, or a sense of relief that the person is no longer suffering from a mental or physical illness (and have a hard time expressing that because of guilt).

Encourage the grieving person to keep a journal of her/his grief work (and to light memorial candles and plant memorial trees) or to join a support group or to seek professional support if it’s needed.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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