The instant you are notified of a homicidal death of a loved one, you are set off from the world as you’ve know it.

You feel isolated.

And because society often places some of the blame on the victim and attaches stigma to the death, you can also feel as though no one understands the depth of your grief.

You might have unrealistic expectations of the time it takes to heal.

I can tell you it is long lasting and intense!

And at some point you may frantically search for a target for your anger (and sometimes that target is yourself). You may even grapple with murderous impulses toward the person who killed your beloved.

Violent death brings anger so intense most people can’t stand it! Your rage can be so acute that you think you are losing your mind. Or you feel your brain is going to explode.

Frustration bubbles and boils as you are forced to wait for the apprehension of a suspect, and then a trial…

You find it hard to understand the criminal justice system.

And then there is the guilt. You cloister yourself in self-blame. And in the process you stop living.

“I should have recognized that my daughter’s/sister’s/mother’s boyfriend was dangerous. I should have talked to her about it.”

“I should have made sure my daughter/sister had taken self-defense lessons.”

“I should have taken better care of the car. S/he wouldn’t have been stranded on the highway…”

“I should not have allowed him/her to work in such a high-crime area.”

“I should have met him/her at the bus stop/airport/subway…”

“I should have gone to the house/apartment and investigated when s/he didn’t answer the phone.”

…

You don’t know what normal is anymore, but you try to figure it out—only to realize there’s a big gaping hole.

You are new at being a survivor.

Seek help…Seek out people who can serve as symbols of hope for you.

Support is the key to getting through this experience!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James