A woman recently wrote to me and shared the story of her younger sister’s death…a sister 16 years younger than herself.
The police have one theory of what happened to her sister—suicide, an overdose. She has another theory.
The FBI is investigating.
She asks me, “How did you do it?”
Because many of you who read my Blog postings have asked similar questions as this woman did, I’m sharing my reply:
“My heart goes out to you!
“Look into the deepest part of you and you will know what you need to help yourself heal. It isn’t easy. You’ll have good and bad days.
“You’ll never forget your sister’s smile or her laugh or her voice or the love between the two of you…those things last forever. When Cindy died I was so afraid I would lose everything about her and it would be as if she never existed…but those precious memories never fade!
“The first few years are sooooo hard! — So much pain and unknowing (especially if the police are withholding info)…and it’s so hard to see a parent go through this too.
”Wrap yourself in tender loving care and believe that you will be OK.
“Through my work with Hospice, and now through my website, a lot of people have shared their sorrows with me about their own losses of loved ones…and how they yearn to have an encounter with the person they lost in death. It’s so common to experience a change in sleeping patterns — hallucinations, vivid dreams, daydreams…some people try to contact the deceased. (I wanted to talk with Cindy so bad…to ask her what happened in her final moments.)
“And through it all there was speculation and opinions from people about what really happened to Cindy…all I can say is you have to come to your own conclusion and belief system to help yourself heal.
“My sister has been dead for 20 years…and it was only after I had devoured the autopsy and toxicology results and sat through an inquest (and testified as a witness) and researched for my book and went through all the police reports (obtained through a lawyer) and all the medical files and everything relating to Cindy’s life and death that I was finally able to find a sense of peace! My parents had their own belief, as did my siblings…some the same as mine, and others the opposite, but it doesn’t matter. If you never know the answer as to what happened, you have to do what you need to do to find peace for yourself. For me that meant looking through every shred of evidence and leaving no stone unturned in order to understand. Nobody else in my family did what I did but they all benefited from what I did.
“Police make mistakes. A lot of people make mistakes…and it can be so frustrating…at times you feel like screaming or curling up into a little ball and closing off the world, or crying until you are exhausted…
“Sometime after she died I had brief and sporadic dreams with Cindy in them…in some she didn’t seem to see me or I couldn’t communicate with her (from the day she disappeared I kept a journal and wrote down all my dreams and thoughts and fears…everything) or the dreams didn’t make sense at the time because they involved things that were seemingly bizarre (and later when I analyzed them in light of new evidence that I uncovered years later, they made sense).
“And then finally…it was more than a year after Cindy’s death before I had a vivid dream experience (that seemed so real) with her in it. That dream happened on Aug 15, 1990 and Cindy had disappeared (and presumably died) on May 25, 1989!
“From that dream I realized I would write a book and have it published and help other people and share with the world some profound insights. But all this took me years and years…and it’s different for everybody. Healing is different for all of us; it depends on our personalities, our needs, our desires, our fears, our beliefs, and our expectations…
“So be gentle with yourself. Be real. Feel your feelings when they surface. Talk with people you trust. Cry when you need to and laugh when you can.
“Don’t beat yourself up because your feelings are absent or you don’t have dreams. You are responding in the way that is best for you at any time.
“Yes, this journey is so bloody hard! And it sucks!
“I wrote. I talked with people I trusted. I lit candles. I ‘talked to Cindy’ (sometimes out loud and sometimes on paper and sometimes just in my head). I went for walks. I wrote poetry. I listened to my favorite music and to her favorite music. I had long baths. I pounded pillows and screamed into them. I did so many things…
“Go the senate route if that is what you believe in. You will know…you will do what you have to.
“Let your mother have her own journey…but be available to listen if you want to and can. Her journey will be different than yours and that’s OK.
“You can continue to write to me if you want to. I’m always available to listen…sometimes it can take a while before I’m able to respond…but I do care.
“You are not alone.”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James