Children should not be forced to go to a funeral if they feel uncomfortable about it.

In 2004 I took my two children (then aged 7 and 9) to their great-grandfather’s funeral (the funeral for my mother-in-law’s father, Gido). They attended the private viewing (where they saw and touched Gido in the open casket—In my next Blog I’ll talk about children touching a body) and they also went to the funeral and family gathering afterwards.

But before attending anything with them (we had a long drive—it was a full day’s drive from where we lived), I talked with them about what they could expect and what they wanted to do (what they felt comfortable with). Both wanted to attend everything. Afterwards we also talked about what it was like for them, and I answered any questions they had, and listened to their feelings and thoughts.

Taking children to a funeral can be very healthy for them if their needs are met.

But never force them to go against their will!

You have to be attentive and watch their body language (often children, through their behavior, show what they are feeling instead of by telling you).

I know this can be hard if you are deep in grief—that’s where you can enlist the help of someone you trust.

Because my husband was a pallbearer at Gido’s funeral, I asked my father-in-law if he could help me with the children. (My son adores his grandfather, Don. In this situation I had to ask the grieving widow if it was OK for Don to attend with us because he and the widow’s daughter were divorced—I sure didn’t want to add any problems for anyone!)

My daughter sat on my lap while my son sat beside us (on his grandfather’s lap)…

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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