“It must be so hard not knowing what happened to your sister.”—I hear that a lot!
So here’s the big question—how do you (Or can you?) come to a resolution with your grief if you aren’t even sure if the person you are grieving for was murdered or committed suicide?
Or how about if you don’t even know whether the person you are grieving for is dead? Maybe the person was kidnapped or is missing in action. (You think, “There is still some possibility I have not lost her/him yet,” or you think, “She’s OK. She’s somewhere and we’ll find her.”)
That’s a glimpse into what my world was like for quite a while—that sense of “unknowing” (or uncertainty over the loss—my sister, Cindy James, was missing for two weeks before her body was found). So for two weeks I wondered if she had disappeared for her own safety. Or had she been abducted and tortured and left somewhere to die? Or was she being held somewhere?
And then after her body was found there were theories and speculation supporting both notions of suicide and murder being thrown around and amplified in the media for years—at the inquest, in magazines, in books and on TV shows!
How was I supposed to live with the not knowing?
How was I supposed to put it to rest?
How was I supposed to move on?
What would you do in this situation?
Would you pick an answer just so you could move on (whatever answer you could live with that was less painful)?
Would you stagnate?
Would you always wonder what the truth was—what really happened?
Or would you do like I did (when the timing was right) and go over all the related material you could get your hands on in hopes of getting some kind of an answer (thinking maybe there were things people missed or things you hadn’t fully comprehended before)?
And would you compile all your information into a book (even the shocking and horrific details and never seen before evidence) so that society could learn from a tragedy such as this?
What if it might be difficult for some people to read?
And how about if it potentially put your life at risk—if there was a murderer or someone who allegedly assisted in the suicide—maybe s/he would be mad enough for revenge.
I’d really like to know—what would you do?
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James
Hello, Melanie:
I just finished reading your latest blog, “How do you live with the ‘Not Knowing?'”. To be honest, I think it’s difficult for anyone to have any kind of decent idea regarding what they would do if they found themselves in the position you were in following your sister’s death.
If I had to guess as to how I would react, I imagine I would immerse myself in the case and try to acquire as much information (police files if possible, etc.) about it, much like you did. But it’s hard to say for sure.
I have visited your website frequently and read your Blogs, and was wondering one thing (if I am not overstepping by asking, of course): What do you think happened to your sister? Cindy’s case is obviously a fascinating one, but do you have a strong belief as to whom or what caused her death? My apologies if I am intruding on a sensitive matter (I certainly hope I am not); I ask simply because as her sister and author of the upcoming book, your opinion is, of course, an important one.
Thank you for your time.
Take Care,
January 7, 2008 @ 4:31 amAdam
Well, as far as what I think happened to Cindy I’ll be exploring the possibilities in my upcoming Blogs. I’m not brushing you off…
… But based on information I discovered during my research (info I’m anxious to share with the public via my book when the time is right; in fact, in a Blog I’ll post some of the interesting things I found), I do not believe Cindy was alone when she died. I can’t really say any more than that right now — forgive me if it seems mysterious.
Smiles,
January 7, 2008 @ 9:21 amMelanie