The hollowness I felt in 1989 during my first Christmas without my sister, Cindy James, made me realize I had to allow myself to have fun again. That was so hard for me at the time. Cindy had died almost seven months earlier and I had still been in anguish.

I couldn’t imagine myself feeling joyous ever again.

I felt locked into a concrete cell of pain…and I didn’t know how to escape.

How was I to rejuvenate myself?

How was I to cultivate a peaceful heart?

I wanted to feel vibrantly alive…but in all honesty, I didn’t care about much!

I needed to confront the emptiness I felt. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself…I was feeling my sorrow and wanting to move through it.

I needed to grapple with assembling the past, present and future pieces of this mysterious puzzle that was unfolding before me.

I knew I needed to take a look at what I was doing, and stop. After hitting the wall I needed to let go…give myself a mental vacation…go on retreat…have “down time”.

So I walked, I meditated, I took bubble baths and I slept.

Yes, during the holidays I had slept in a lot, and when I had to go back to work in January I had been tired after the first day!

While grieving you use up a lot of emotional energy without being aware of it until you have to get up early for work.

I reached out to others.

I took time to heal.

I learned to live better with the loss.

You can do this!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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