There’s a tendency to treat dying people differently:

Voices are often lowered.

People’s faces may appear overly somber or they may take on a false cheeriness.

Topics of conversation become more limited and some things are no longer talked about at all.

As a result, the dying person may feel they’re being pushed to one side, or they’re being treated with pity, or they’re being handled like a child.

But dying people generally prefer to live fully as long as they’re able, and to be treated as very much alive!

They don’t want your pity; they want your compassion.

They don’t want you to pat them on the head; they want you to go with them hand-in-hand just as far as you can.

The dying person is no different than they used to be—they’re as full of life as you are. They’re every bit as human and maybe even more human. So they may bristle if you treat them as less than they are.

The kind of person they’ve been before is the kind of person they’ll be now. Dying does not change who they are. They do not automatically become wiser or kinder or braver. They simply become more themselves.

If they were serious before, they’ll be serious now.

If they’ve been lighthearted, they’ll probably still have a sparkle about them, at least some of the time.

Quiet people will usually not talk a lot more, grouchy people will not complain much less, and affectionate people will not give up their loving ways.

What dying people may do is emphasize certain aspects of who they’ve been all along. Realizing this is a time unlike any other, and knowing it will not come again, they may concentrate on certain pursuits or call upon certain characteristics, letting others fall away. You may have the impression they’re becoming more who they’re meant to be.

Some people do experience personality conversions.

Some decide to live the time that’s left in radically different ways, and they give up old lifestyles for new ones.

Some become obviously freer and others become clearly happier.

Some grow up a great deal in a short period of time.

And a few…unlikely as it may seem…actually blossom.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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