Here are some ideas for reaching out and connecting to someone who’s dying.

Connect by talking.

As an equal, person to person, face to face. Say what you think. Express what you feel. If the dying person is slow to open up, don’t push them. Just let them know you’re ready to move to a deeper level whenever they are. If tears come, let them to be—they are a sign showing you care (an indication you wish this wasn’t happening). Be honest with them. Talk simply and straightforwardly. Avoid secrets. Speak when the time is right and stop when the moment has passed. Draw the other person out bit by bit. Allow yourself to be drawn out too. Make this a time when you truly meet.

Connect by listening.

The one who’s dying may have much to say:

-Feelings to explore,
-Questions to ask,
-Ideas to leave behind,
-Experiences to sum up.

Your patient, attentive ear is one of the greatest gifts you can offer. Real listening takes work. The dying person’s thoughts can be complicated and confusing as they spill out. Their emotions can be forceful and yet elusive. Answers may not be easy to come by. Yet you will perform a wonderful service by listening carefully to what the other person has to say, without interrupting, without judging, and without shying away. These can be sacred times you’ll both remember long afterwards.

Connect by encouraging memories.

Often a dying person wants to make sense of the time they’ve had on earth. They want to feel their life has mattered and their influence will not be forgotten. You can play a critical role by treating their memories as important and their reflections on life as valuable. Leaf through scrapbooks and old letters with them. Look at pictures, sort through mementos, tell and re-tell meaningful stories. As you do this, you’re each beginning to say your goodbyes. Saying them this way, gradually and lovingly, can help you both.

Connect by touching.

People who are dying want to know you’re with them in as many ways as possible. No way is more direct than physical touch. If it’s a comfort to them, hold their hand or touch their arm or shoulder or head. Stroke them, massage them, hug them. Your nonverbal communication can say as much as your verbal, or even more. Don’t forget that touch and hearing are the two senses a person retains longest. Even when they cannot speak, they can be spoken to with a sound or a caress.

Connect by just being present.

Sometimes the most thoughtful way to reach out to a dying person is by not saying or doing anything. By your consistent return you communicate, “I will not desert you.” By sitting or working quietly in the same room with them, you communicate “I enjoy being with you.” By staying beside them when they need you, your message is clear: “I am right here. I care.”

Connect by breathing.

Often when people are near death their breath is erratic, but if you can follow their breath up to that point and breathe with them, you can connect to them in a nonverbal way. It’s a way of letting them know they are not alone.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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