Here’s a myth you may have heard expressed in the following ways:

“Everyone dies, and people who have lived a long, full life are expected to die. You’re a grown–up. You shouldn’t be so upset when your parent dies because you knew it was coming.”

Or, “Be glad he lived a long, full life.”

And maybe, “It was his time to go.”

Or how about, “Besides, we all know he wasn’t always that nice.”

If your parent was old, you may find that others don’t fully acknowledge your loss. The elderly are not always valued (in some cultures). They are often seen as having outlived their usefulness instead of as a source of great wisdom, experience and love. And so when an elderly (and sometimes “difficult”) parent dies, we sometimes hear those painful phrases listed above instead of hearing, “Your father was a special person and your relationship with him must have meant a lot to you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Well the reality is the death of someone you love, especially someone who played such a big role in your life, is a profound loss—and you may be surprised at the overwhelming depth of feelings that can be triggered.

And it doesn’t matter if your parent was middle-aged or old, or whether the death was anticipated or sudden—someone who loved you and whom you loved (perhaps even despite difficulties) will never be physically present to you again.

And so you’ll grieve.

You’ll need to mourn.
(And your mourning [influenced by the type of relationship you had with that parent, among other factors]) may be different from that of your siblings. So remember, there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to cope—it doesn’t mean that one of you is “wrong” in how you grieve.) One sibling (who may have been the caregiver to a sick parent) may experience relief that the suffering has ended. Another sibling (experiencing unresolved anger stemming from an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, or feeling angry at God) may have painful feelings brought to the surface and lash out…or choose to show no emotion. Another sibling may be totally immersed in guilt and regret. Another sibling may be completely overwhelmed with displays of emotion…

Denying grief will only make it more confusing and overwhelming.

So embrace your grief and heal.

To heal…to live and love wholly again, you must mourn.

And remember, reconciling your grief will not happen quickly because grief is a process, not an event. So be patient and tolerant with yourself.

And never forget…the death of a parent changes your life forever.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James