As he faced the finality of death, it was natural for him to want to review the life he had lived—to look back and catalog his accomplishments and failures in life…financial, occupational, societal, and interpersonal—to understand the past—a final opportunity for him to resolve and come to understand the conflicts of earlier life.

For him the process was silent (while snuggled in bed with the blankets around his ears, he contemplated the past) AND oral (with his caregivers and daughter he shared tidbits of his thoughts), conscious AND unconscious (his life-review showed up in his dreams), and lengthy.

Invariably, each individual will fall short of what they wished to achieve no matter how successful their life may seem to others.

If the life is seen as a success and accepted, death will be accepted as well (in the sense that fear of it will be mitigated and serenity and wisdom will result).

With your beloved, stress the positive memories and stories:

“How would you like to be remembered?”

“Looking back, what do you consider to be the most important events in your life?”

“Why do you look at that as being such an important event?”

As your beloved recites stories, write them down or make a videotape or audiotape for future generations to enjoy. When the conversation dwindles, keep the thread going by saying, “That’s interesting. I want to hear more.”

And have soothing and meaningful music playing in the background—hearing specific music can help people remember meaningful times from the past and provides a comforting background when words just aren’t needed.

Because music reaches a deep, non-rational part of the human spirit, it can affect feelings such as grief, fear, anxiety, sadness, and anger, releasing those blocked or painful feelings and stimulating positive ones such as hope, love, and gratitude. Sharing music together can lead to sharing of the emotions that the music brings up. Acknowledging these emotions together can help bring closure to old issues and enable reflection.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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