Were you taught that it’s not “nice” to be angry? Anger can be a difficult emotion to express—it’s powerful, it’s menacing and it’s frightening—and when you’re grieving, it can be an especially difficult emotion to manage.

Anger is a normal and healthy response to loss. But it can easily be pushed “underground” if we are not allowed to deal with it. That makes it easy to save it up (and perhaps store it in our body in some form of illness)…and then explode and overreact to a situation.

I recently saw someone do just that. Although his anger was misdirected and seemed irrational, I knew it was born out of fear (and guilt). (There are many emotions “under” anger; emotions that we choose to avoid in favor of anger.) He felt helpless. He believed the medical system was giving poor care and was acting with indifference. And he was furious! He threw insults and sarcasm and made threats, and wouldn’t listen to anybody. Everyone around him was tense and wanted nothing to do with him. They told him to leave if he wanted to. They’d had enough. I’m sure he would have started hitting and punching or pounding anyone or anything that got in his way, if he had been strong enough.

What he needed was to talk about his anger with someone…and he did—with someone who didn’t judge him or his feelings. With someone who listened and reflected back to him what was being heard. With someone who really seemed to care.

Finally, he started to believe he DID matter—that he had choices and some control. But he was exhausted. So he rested, believing he still had hope.

Most grieving people feel some anger. And although anger doesn’t have to be logical or valid, you need to believe you have control of it. And you need to allow yourself to use the power of it in a positive direction.

Before you build up to an explosive reaction, I have some beautiful strategies that I’ve used (yes, I’ve used all of them at one time or another) that enabled me to release anger and tension before it got out of control.

Try journaling your anger (without censoring). Ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
Why?
From Whom?
What am I angry at/about?

Once you identify and acknowledge that you are angry, you can talk to someone about it. You can also pretend you are with the person you are angry at and tell them just how angry you are.

Or you can try writing a letter to the person you are angry with. Then read it out loud to yourself before you either tear it up, burn it, or mail it.

Scream if you need to—Find a solitary place and let it out. Try rolling up the windows in your car. (Who’s going to hear you?) Or scream into a towel.

Or, if you’re more physical, punch a punching bag or “work out” like crazy. (Use any kind of exercise that gets the intensity out.)

Whatever method you use to express and deal with your anger, try imagining yourself dealing with the situation in the way that satisfies you.

Remember, in grief, anger often emerges after the shock and denial has passed. So that means: you are progressing. The anger will subside. And when it recurs, you’ll have some great strategies!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
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