The Chinese characters that make up the verb “to listen” include an ear, one heart, eyes and undivided attention. So, in order to effectively listen for a message from someone (not just hear words), and understand them, you need to use all those body parts!

• You need to listen by “putting yourself in their shoes” without thinking about your own personal thoughts and agenda—this means no prejudging or pre-evaluating or preconceived notions (set those aside for now).
• Follow your heart and your intuition. Not only can you listen with compassion to someone talk about a tragedy and pain, but also you can listen for their inner strengths and capabilities. Use loving sensitivity and tact. Remind them of their positive attributes—how courageous and capable they are—if it is appropriate (if they seem receptive). Support them.
• Use eye contact. Look for the feelings and intent behind their words—the unspoken fears, concerns and moods. Try to pick up on clues and subtle hints.
• Use listening body language—face and lean towards the person and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Avoid crossing your arms. And don’t look around the room at other people or things going on. Also, don’t pretend to be paying respectful attention!

When someone is angry, hurt, or expressing difficult feelings, it helps for you to reflect back what you’re hearing—to verify your understanding by restating or paraphrasing. You’ll be helping the person see any flaws in their reasoning (especially if you don’t criticize). Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged.

Don’t worry if you’re confused (and know you don’t understand)—gently tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to state it another way, or use your best guess. If you’re off the mark the person will realize it and will probably attempt to correct your misunderstanding.

Probe for additional information with open-ended questions (not questions that need a “yes” or “no” response). Ask non-threatening questions: “Can you tell me more?” “How did that make you feel?”

And don’t agree or disagree (respect their point of view—if you look hard enough you can usually find hidden seeds of merit to focus on). Your viewpoint may be different and you may not necessarily agree with the person, but as you listen, you understand from the other’s perspective. And don’t think you have to come up with a solution (you want to promote and support their attempt to work out their own solution, not advise them). Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves, and are not really open to hearing an answer.
And remember, sharing briefly from your own experiences (when appropriate) can often help the person “go deeper.”

And be sure to express appreciation for their sharing!

Listening well means we understand what the person is feeling (and thinking) from the other person’s own perspective! –Seeing through the person’s eyes, listening through the person’s ears, connecting with the person’s heart and really being present.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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