We are all a part of a family system, and each system has a role and a level of functioning with historical roots.

And my family, like most families, had “the black sheep” (my middle brother), “the prodigal son” (my youngest brother), “the smart one” (me, according to Cindy’s 1986 autobiography), “the good-looking one” (Cindy), “the clown” (my middle sister), etc.

When dealing with grief, my family struggled and changed along with me, and all our roles changed too—the family dynamics. For a time I became the black sheep and was criticized because I voiced my opinions and insisted on digging for facts, and now I realize some people had not wanted some facts revealed.

I didn’t go along with what I was “supposed” to do—that being what other people wanted me to do (keep quiet and agree with them). And when my research uncovered new facts, family members had to revisit their grief in order to fit that information into their belief system of what they thought happened to Cindy.

Every family has its own way of coping. Some families use silence, passive-aggression, humor or a combination. In my family it was a combination of strategies with a heavy emphasis on silence (we were not to share too much). Privacy was sacred.

But in order to honor my own grief process I had to follow my heart, my needs and my own beliefs and values. Otherwise my spirit would have lost its energy and I would have died inside and never healed.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James