When I was grieving the death of my sister Cindy I rarely allowed myself to cry during the day when I was in public or had to meet someone. If I was in front of other people, I held back (I felt vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed). And if I held back for an extended period of time I would feel very depressed and anxious.

I found it very difficult to cry in front of people (except close family members) so I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry, for instance at work, or apologize and walk away when I knew I just couldn’t hold back the tears. When I was successful with holding back, I would cry at home or in the car on my way home.

Some people got this funny look of sympathy, which I hated to see, and it made me hold back even more. Sometimes when I was on the verge of crying (and I ended up dashing away), someone would just stare and not know what to say. And I didn’t like it when people told me it was OK to cry, and then watched me to see if I would. That seemed so cold.

I secretly wanted people to just touch my arm or give me a hug if we were in private. And I wished people would say, “I want you to know I’m available if you want to talk with me about what’s bothering you.” –If that was the truth!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James