When my oldest sister, Cindy James, died, it was beyond my comprehension as to how I could possibly imagine living my life with her not in it. How was I supposed to get through any of the holidays or special days when they all brought back reminders of her absence? Yes, even Valentine’s Day…I would have at least sent her a card wishing her a great day—but she would never see one again!

Years later, I took comfort in the words, “Death ends a life, not a relationship,” as stated in Mitch Albom’s book, Tuesdays with Morrie. –I embraced the realization that the happiness I had experienced with Cindy belonged to me forever. She had given me a gift—as a sister who was 17 years older than me, Cindy had accepted me (even my imperfect qualities). She had shown me unconditional love and in return I had embraced life.

But long before reaching resolution with her death, when holidays and special days approached I had taken some time to identify my feelings of grief and openly accept them…not fight them.

I had made a list of the different feelings I was aware of. Even the “negative” ones! With a lot of effort I began to notice what problems the negative feelings stemmed from. (For instance, I wanted to avoid having fun or feeling happy because I felt guilty that I was able to—or at least had a chance to—experience pleasurable activities…and Cindy couldn’t and never would). And I tried to think of possible solutions to help release some of the worries and negative emotions that were present.

One of the things I did was to pick out a Valentine’s card and mail it to myself and pretend it was from Cindy and she was giving me permission to enjoy myself…at least for a little while.

If you decide to do so, you can choose to embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day on which to commemorate your loved one—to celebrate your love for them…and theirs for you.

In my next Blog I’ll list some wonderful ideas on how you can embrace Valentine’s Day while still honoring your grief.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James