When I was walking out of the bank I overheard a woman say to a friend, “Well, these things happen you know” in reference to that friend’s loved one recently dying of a heart attack (with horrific circumstances I might add…the car flipped off the road and exploded…we all heard the sirens when the accident happened…).

I think I visibly cringed at the words I heard from that woman.

I’m sure she meant well, but that was NOT the thing to say to someone who has experienced the death of a beloved. Her words rank up there with the following WORST things you could say:

“Death was a blessing.” (I know you probably mean the person is no longer suffering, and that can be a relief for some, but a mourner never feels the death of a beloved is a blessing—to have someone yanked out of your life is always painful. And, as one mourner said, “She was uncomfortable but was not suffering and we were looking after her – we were with her constantly – we would never have let her suffer.)

“It all happened for the best.”

“It was God’s will.” Or “God, needed her. He took her for a reason.” (Well then God needs to explain that to a mourner because, as one mourner said, “we needed her here and if God took her for His own needs He certainly left a lot of broken people behind.”)

“She’s in a better place.” (As one mourner, who had heard those painful words from someone, told me, “Well, we thought she was in a good place here with us!)

“You’ll feel worse before you’ll feel better.” (Instead just say, “You must really be hurting!”)

“You have your whole life ahead of you.” (Instead say, “Take all the time you need.”)

Other painful phrases NOT to say:

“Something good will come out of this.”

“You can always remarry.”

“It’s time to put it behind you now.”

Then there is the reference to “losing” the person – our “loss” (when you say, “I’m sorry for your loss.”) When one mourner heard that she wanted to scream, “WE did NOT lose her – she died!”

The stress and anxiety of an encounter with a grieving person can sometimes make it difficult to know what is helpful to say…but please realize a phrase that may be meant to help can actually produce distress.

In another Blog post I’ll share what one grieving mother had to say about words.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
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