What I read in the newspaper headline wasn’t that alarming: “Toddler wiggled out of Mom’s arms” it said.

But it was the story that made me cry because, as a mother having teenagers, I could relate to when my children were young—to imagine holding my 15-month-old infant and have him wiggle out of my grasp while I’m distracted by his toddler sister and have him accidentally fall over a balcony railing and plunge 15 meters to the airport floor below…and die…is just utterly devastating!

The family was hysterical. As would anyone be at the loss of a child, no matter what the circumstances.

The mother feels guilty…that she could have avoided the tragedy…that she should never have let it happen…that she was supposed to be the protector (What could I have done to prevent it? What should I have done differently? –All are questions we ask ourselves when we review everything in our mind…when we go over and over the situation in an attempt to “figure it out” and cope.).

But it was an accident. Just because you feel guilt feelings doesn’t mean there is something to feel guilty about! (If your close friend was in this situation do you think your friend should feel guilty? Don’t expect more for yourself or be harder on yourself or more critical of yourself than you’d think appropriate for a friend.)

Guilt often intensifies the sense of loss and can initiate feelings of self-doubt, especially if the guilt won’t “go away”. And it can destroy relationships if the destructive feelings aren’t attended to…and in cases like this the partner may see it as the spouse having failed in parental responsibility, even though it was an unfortunate accident. And if they are unable to comfort or support one another, it can lead to divorce.

When a death occurs people often try to find someone or something to blame.

Yes, anger and guilt are often intertwined. Guilt can be described as anger turned inward…and it’s a normal grief reaction.

If you are caught up in these emotions find a safe way to release the anger.

Allow yourself to cry.

Be honest about your feelings.

Surround yourself with supportive people.

And if the emotions seem illogical and you are not able to look at things differently, seek counseling where you can sit down and describe what you are feeling, what you are feeling guilty about and how it is affecting you.

“Rest in peace little angel” was a message on one of the cards placed among flowers and stuffed animals at the scene of the Toronto airport accident.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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