“Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.”

~Mother Teresa, 1910-1997

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
so I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn’t drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.

Now I’m lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood’s all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.

I’m sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put ‘ Mommy’s Girl’ on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it’s wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I’d still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I’m getting really scared
These are my final moments,
and I’m so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, ‘I love you, Mom!’
So I love you and good-bye.

~MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

So when we talk about replacing a beloved pet that has died, do you wait until after your bereavement period and adopt the replacement pet as a “new” pet?

Do you adopt during the normal bereavement period to help repair the damaged affection, the lost friendship, the missing closeness, the lost companionship, the missing unconditional love, the lost … whatever?

Or do you adopt another pet when the other one shows signs of aging (before the old one dies) and possibly have to deal with aggression from the old one (because it feels vulnerable and threatened) or competition between the two as the new one tries to “fit in”.

And what if the new pet misses and mourns the old one after it dies? –Yet another concern to deal with!

If you purchase a new pet during the bereavement period, you may transfer part of the lost attachment to the new animal—so the new pet then plays the role of a transitional object. But that doesn’t sound healthy, does it?

Well the good news is that the new pet can become the new attachment figure. In this way the new pet is speeding up the bereavement process.

But if you acquire a new pet during “difficult” bereavement (when you’re finding it impossible to accept the death, or if you’re staying in the numb stage, or if you have unresolved issues …), the new pet will be compared to the dead one and the dead pet will be worshiped, forcing the new pet to deal with “mixed” love and rejection messages from you.

So if you want to adopt a new pet and call it by the same name as the deceased one, chances are you haven’t moved through the bereavement process far enough—you’ll be faced with confused feelings and painful memories.

After the death feel your emotions–the anger, the sadness, the despair … , allow yourself to cry, and know it’s Ok to withdraw for a bit to tend to yourself.

Remember, you’ll never forget your loving deceased pet…you can’t replace him, but you can love another.

Adopt a pet when you are ready to make a new commitment to an animal.

Otherwise, instant cures can lead to other problems—like believing you can have other instant fixes (like turning to drugs, or alcohol, or food) when things go wrong and you don’t know how else to dull the pain.

Contrary to the comical suggestion in the recent TV video bit, you wouldn’t replace your mother or father if either of them died. A close family pet is no different!

So if someone suggests you replace your pet or tells you they are going to get you a new one, search inside yourself and let them know if you are ready for a new commitment. (Sometimes people don’t want to see another person hurting anymore, so they come up with a solution because they don’t want to deal with their feelings any more…and that doesn’t mean their need is the same as yours.)

Do what is healthiest for you! –And yes, sometimes that means it’s healthy to adopt during normal bereavement.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Did you get a chance to check out the video on yesterday’s Blog post about replacing a pet that dies?

What are your thoughts about it?

When a beloved pet dies, you can be catapulted into distress. Tears will flow at various times for many reasons…at the thought of your pet’s past antics, or when you find a lost toy, or when you look at pictures of your pet, or when you remove the food and water bowls, or …

All you want is to see your pet; in fact if it used to greet you at the door upon your return, you anticipate seeing it when you come home.

The house just seems so empty.

You may hear noises of your deceased pet.

And if you dearly loved your pet as more than a companion…as a member of the family and called it “my boy” or “my girl” (because it was a family substitute—as my sister Cindy did with her dog Heidi; it was like a child to her)…where you have a specific attachment to the animal…and someone minimizes your grief by implying, “Well it was only an animal,” your grief can be prolonged while anger festers within you.

The death of a pet is not the death of just any animal! A pet can be a person’s best friend—especially for a child. And when the pet dies, children must mourn for that part of themselves that died too.

So it’s important to respect a pet owner’s feelings and beliefs about a pet’s death—not everybody has the same attachment…but some are quite close.

Listen to them talk about their pet, their feelings, their thoughts…

When a person is socialized to animals and their deceased companion was a part of their well being, the person will want to replace the deceased pet sooner or later.

Yes, it’s Ok to get another pet.

But is there a “good” time to do it—how long do you wait?

I’ll talk about that in my next Blog post.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

I recently saw a clip from the Jay Leno show…a guest talking about the death of his girlfriend’s pet, and what the guest did about it.
It brings up the question: “Should you buy another pet to replace the one that died?”
What do you think? Leave a comment.
Thanks
Melanie

Ever heard of a milblog (a military Blog)? —Soldiers in combat zones writing about their experiences, thoughts, and feelings of military life, but never about their unit locations or the timing of military activities.

Army Public Affairs Spc. Lindy Kyze, says soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are encouraged to Blog about military life…it helps soldiers process traumatic combat experiences that can be hard for them to talk about.

Here’s an example of the Blogs you can find out there:

“A Blog where a company commander rants, raves, explains, and comments on the things he sees, and the way he sees them.”

“Undeterred by empty threats by his supervisors, Stryker and his Merry Marauders continually provide smart-assed commentary, memoirs and uninformed takes on the day’s events. So there.”

“A Southern boy finds his way home from Afghanistan.”

“An accounting of my time in Iraq; how I got there, what I did, and coming home.”

And then there’s TroopTube.tv—a way for military personnel to share videos with friends and family. However, I get the idea many soldiers believe this site is too heavily monitored (censored) and have dubbed it PropagandaTube.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Just like that…in an instant…your life changes forever.

You wait.

You watch.

You wonder.

At what point do you decide?

“I’m so sorry,” someone says.

“Please … ,” you plead.

“But her brain is gone,” they gently say.

“I want to stay with her,” you state after they pronounce her dead.

The shock.

It can’t be real…she was fine yesterday.

And just like that…your life has changed…forever.

Are there any memories that keep coming back over and over?

I’m here…and I’m listening…go ahead and talk about it whenever you’re ready.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Exhausted, he wants to cry out for rest, peace and dignity.

He just wants someone…anyone…to pause for a moment and talk to him.

The nurses, orderlies, interns, residents are all so busy.

Having a respirator down his throat, he is unable to communicate his thoughts, his feelings, or his needs.

And his hand feels too heavy to pick up a pen or a pencil, should anyone think to offer him such an opportunity to express himself on paper.

Come to think of it…he realizes he is unable to move.

But he is alive…intellectually.

He just wants someone to stop…to really look in his eyes…and to see.

He is not afraid to die…but he is afraid to live—at least afraid to live like this.

If only someone would sit with him.

If only someone would hold his hand…if only for a minute!

Will you be that someone?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

What if you had a year left to live?

What would you do?

Would you tell people?

Would you quit your job? Travel? Spend more time with friends and family?

Would you live from your heart?

Would you blow your savings?

Would you get a second opinion in case it’s a mistake?

Is there something you think you would do that you aren’t doing now?

I know someone who was diagnosed with an inoperable tumor and was told he only had about one year left to live. So he seized the moments he had left. That was five years ago…and he’s still living…but with greater awareness.

Decide how you want to live your life…now…seize the moment.

Don’t live with regrets.

Don’t waste your life away. Embrace even the tiniest moments and find meaning in them.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

If you believe you are of body, mind and spirit, when informed of a serious illness you are summoned to examine the meaning of your life and brought face to face with death:

“So that’s the way my cookie crumbled…now what can I do with it?”

Ask yourself, “Has life been filled with dead ends and broken dreams? –With suffering and mental and spiritual anguish? With depression and meaninglessness?

“Or has life been a series of celebrations, and an opening up to others? —Of emotional well-being and life satisfaction?”

We all need to feel in control. It’s natural. And when facing death it’s normal to fear the unknown…to react defensively…to wish…and to deny.

It isn’t too late to heal your life and your mind (to transcend suffering), from deep inside, by opening up, by accepting (but not by giving up), by slowing down, by trusting, by centering, by hoping (having an inner peace or adversity transcended, but not a wishing) and by letting go.

While you still can, try focusing on what is most in need of attention…on that which you have been unwilling or unable to acknowledge.

Suffering is physical, psychological, and existential (creating our own value and meaning…making our own choices and therefore taking responsibility for the results and blaming no one but ourselves if the outcome isn’t what we desired)—we have to address them all.

What have you created…accomplished…believed in…loved…and left as your legacy?

When were you last well…in yourself?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James