Once again it’s the time of year when many of us think about Christmas; cards, carols, turkey, family, friends, gifts, love, peace, candles…so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many hopes and so many wishes.

But if you’ve experienced the recent death of a loved one, chances are one of the feelings blanketing you is dread…or perhaps anxiety, anguish, conflict, or loneliness and isolation, especially if your beloved committed suicide.

You may be filled with agonizing questions…or searching for explanations.

The holidays may seem an insurmountable obstacle…something extremely difficult to ‘get through’…certainly not ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ for those in grief.

For all of us, our pain and our loss are private and individual.

And each of us can choose to grow bitter…or grow better.

Try to find comfort in the knowledge you are not alone—in the knowledge that others can relate to your anguish.

Direct your energy towards accepting yourself as someone of worth, someone who has great value to share, and as someone who sees value in allowing others to share.

During this holiday season, find places of healing comfort.

And remember, if you’ve experienced a recent death you aren’t expected to send out Christmas cards within the first year…but you will probably still receive them, although you might receive fewer (because people don’t want to be intrusive, fearful of expressing ‘glad tidings’ when they know you are in pain).

And for those of you who aren’t sure if you should send a Christmas card or not to someone in mourning…well from my experience it’s nice to know people are thinking of you and wishing you well, especially the first Christmas after a loved one has died. At times like this it’s nice to receive all the support you can get.

Here’s hoping your holiday season will be filled with good memories.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

I wasn’t offended, but I was curious, when I heard there was a debate (well, Ok, a discussion) about what song should be dedicated to ‘The Cindy James case.’

Here are some of the songs people have said they would dedicate:

“One Way Or Another,” by Blondie and,

“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me,” by the Wackers and Blair Adams.

Do you have another song you think fits?

Which one would you choose?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.

~Leo Buscaglia

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Remember that as today’s dead flower carries the seed of tomorrow’s bloom so does today’s sadness carry the seed of tomorrow’s joy.
~Og Mandino

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Moshe and the nanny who saved him!

Gunfire…indiscriminately at passers-by on the street

Grenade explosions

Shrapnel

Blazes

Satellite connections cut

Gunmen with red and blue backpacks knocking on locked hotel doors

Hostages

Soldiers rappelling down ropes from military choppers onto roofs

…

A surreal experience

Hearts pounding

“Run!”

A city of 13 million paralyzed

Rumors of who is responsible

…

About 183 people…Indians (including 17 police officers and military), Europeans (including a British yacht magnate and three Germans), Americans (including a father and daughter—who happened to be the same age as my daughter), Australian, one Chinese and a Canadian…have been confirmed killed since terrorist attacks began Wednesday on several high-traffic landmarks in Mumbai, India.

It is so shocking to watch on TV!

Eleven terrorists (young men in their 20’s) have been killed—estimates say there were about 26 heavily armed gunmen.

My heart warms as I hear about the rescued boy, Moshe, who is supposed to celebrate his second birthday today, Saturday…but then I hear his parents, who were with him, are not among those who survived the killings.

Their love will live on—with all the people they touched.

Relieved guests, many of them foreigners and some children hugged one another before boarding buses and vans brought in to take them away.

My heart goes out to the victims and their families.

“We can’t let this get to us. Life has to go on,” said one Mumbaiker. “Most us haven’t ever met each other but when you go through something like this, you want a big hug.”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die.

~Thomas Campbell

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

I received this Thanksgiving poem yesterday from Margaret and wanted to share it with you.

(3 minutes & 50 seconds)

What is the greatest gift you can give someone in grief?

From my experience it’s a memory!

It’s as simple as that.

And it’s free!

All you have to do is write down your memory of the person who has died.

But write it as clearly and exactly as you can…with lots of details! –Make your experience come alive on the paper. This is what you can give someone who is grieving.

It’s a beautiful gift because it is another picture…another snapshot…of the life of the person who has died. 

Hearing recollections, even years later, feels wonderful…feels electric…feels energizing…feels soothing…because often, when we are in mourning, we think our beloved is only a phantom. 

I know it sounds remarkable, but we wonder, “Did s/he ever exist?” We are afraid of no longer remembering what his/her voice sounded like or the feel of his/her hand. And that’s a terrifying thought…to not only have your beloved physically gone, but also to fear losing your sensory information of them…to fear losing the proof they even existed at all! –To have them simply evaporate!

So when you write down your memory, don’t be afraid about whether or not you’ll have something meaningful to share (believe me, all memories are meaningful).

And don’t be fearful it will hurt…of course it hurts.  But pain is not the worst thing in the world, and this is the lesson the grieving person lives. 

And don’t be worried about embarrassment—that should be the lesson for those of us who would like to help. 

Evasion is worse. So don’t scoot down a nearby aisle of the grocery store or walk out another door of the train—don’t avoid someone. It’s enough to just say, “I’m so glad to see you.”

Forgetting is worse.

So give your memories.

Share what is heartfelt.

Take my word for it—a memory truly is the greatest gift!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Early this morning, Bruce, with about two months left to live with his cancer, started his videotaped farewell with a quote from Ecclesiastes, “To every thing there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.”

He wanted to create a meaningful goodbye to his loved ones, and to talk about the moments that had shaped their lives…to leave a history.

He wanted his family to find comfort in his final words.

He talked about his childhood, his family travels, and his first bicycle.

He talked about meeting his wife…the love of his life.

He talked about his children and all his grandchildren.

And when it was all over he sat with a cane in his hand and laughed a hearty laugh.

“Oh there are so many stories I didn’t tell.”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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Choose to love … rather than hate.
Choose to laugh … rather than cry.
Choose to create … rather than destroy.
Choose to persevere … rather than quit.
Choose to praise … rather than gossip.
Choose to heal … rather than wound.
Choose to give … rather than steal.
Choose to act … rather than procrastinate.
Choose to grow … rather than rot.
Choose to pray … rather than curse.
Choose to live … rather than die.

~From the book “The Greatest Miracle in the World” by Og [Augustine] Mandino (1923-1996)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James