Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
~Leo Buscaglia
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Anyone with PTSD is at a high risk for suicide because negative thoughts about oneself can coincide with depression…you can feel as if you are drowning in a world of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness…and you don’t know how to cope with your hauntings.
When you find yourself in that world of disarray, take baby steps.
Take the time to recognize your daily accomplishments with a positive self-statement log, as Cindy did.
(At the end of your day, grab a piece of paper and list both the small and big goals you accomplished…and keep those logs so that when you are feeling low you can look over them and see what you were able to accomplish when you had similar feelings; You could start with, “I feel proud that I…”)
And if you are living with someone with PTSD, try to be patient…those who are ambushed by recollections need time to jettison their fear as they search for what normal is…as they find themselves and who they really are, while they try to understand the past.
As one survivor said, “I do not know what it is like to be a normal person. But I do know what it is like to spend each day acting normal all the while watching my back so I do not get killed.”
Gently help them walk through their pain. Don’t judge! Don’t blame!
They aren’t “crazy”…they need support and help!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Think about this…Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental disorder that can happen to many people! –To law enforcement officers, firefighters, EMT workers, war veterans…to anyone who experiences or witnesses intense violence, serious accidents, or life-threatening situations and events.
(Involvement in these difficult situations can make you feel hopeless, fearful, horrified, and overwhelmed…as Cindy expressed about herself in her journal.)
Imagine experiencing or witnessing:
An airplane accident
9/11
An animal attack
An assault
An automobile accident
Child abuse
A difficult birthing…including an unexpected cesarean
Domestic violence
Fire
A hurricane
Kidnapping
Losing a limb
Military combat
Rape
Severe verbal abuse
Sexual abuse
Sexual molestation
Suicide
Terrorism
A threatening individual with a knife or a gun
A Tornado
Torture
…
If you’ve experienced a traumatic event, chances are your priorities and goals may have changed…you may feel it’s tough to fit in…you may feel guilty…you may think nobody will understand…you may be experiencing stronger feelings than in the past…you may be feeling on edge and tense…and so you close yourself off.
Please seek out help if you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD, depression, or difficulties with anger or substance abuse…PTSD is highly treatable. And if help isn’t available immediately, keep trying to obtain it!
I know you want to isolate yourself…but talk about your experience and feelings with someone you trust.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
~William Shakespeare
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
On June 2nd 1988 (Cindy died the following year) Cindy was watching a special program on TV about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in Vietnam vets and identified with a lot of the symptoms being described—nightmares, anxiety, anger, mistrust of people, flashbacks and suicidal feelings.
In her journal she wrote:
“As the man said, ‘It’s not just the memories, it’s breaking down under it that is so hard.’ I know what he means. Sometimes when the memories become overwhelming, I feel as though I’m only now allowing myself to feel the terror and pain I couldn’t deal with at the time. I had to wall the feelings off or I wouldn’t have survived. I also understand why they find it so hard to talk about. You feel like no one will really understand but also you’re afraid of being overwhelmed by your own feelings to the point of where you feel trapped forever in the heart of it. But I don’t feel the urge to do violence that they describe except for the suicidal feelings.”
The next day she tried to consciously block out unpleasant memories from intruding fully into her thoughts and wrote in her journal, “I’ve been successful which feels good.”
In another Blog post I’ll talk about what recent Iraq and Afghanistan vets have to say about their experiences with PTSD.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
According to Dr. Joseph Noone, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia (at the time of the inquest into Cindy’s death) and accepted as an expert in his field by the B.C. and Alberta courts, Cindy was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD, which Dr. Noone explained as:
“People who have encountered sometime in their life some endangering event, sometimes thought to be outside the realm of natural human experience, can develop a multiple number of anxiety symptoms—recurring nightmares, dreams, hyper-vigilance, becoming withdrawn, isolated, trying somehow to protect themselves and their vulnerability and often withdraw. [They] have a sense of that recurring again, feeling frightened in their environment, unsafe, unsure.
“Characteristically, they change their ability to work in the work force. There are cognitive components, thinking, can’t concentrate, can’t attend. There are personality components where they become much more frightened, unsure of themselves. Most characteristically, though, are the sleep disturbances and the nightmares, what we call psychic numbing, sort of numbing to a startle response to events around about them and they experience the event either through nightmares or flashbacks and so she fits all the criteria.”
In my next post I’ll share what Cindy wrote about herself (from her journal) and her experience with PTSD.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
An epitaph written on a gravestone back in 1820:
“The only pain she ever caused was when she left us.”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Two nights ago I was watching Canada’s Fifth Estate (a CBC news show) about a crime that’s haunted one of Canada’s prairie provinces, Saskatoon, for 46 years:
Beautiful 22-year-old nurse Alexandra Wiwcharuk went for a walk along the bank of the South Saskatchewan River and then disappeared. Her body was accidentally discovered in the bushes…13 days later.
“Exactly what happened to Alex Wiwcharuk that night is still not completely known and her killer remains unidentified and unpunished,” I heard.
When Alex’s case went cold, her family members…nieces of Alex who were little girls when she died…took up the cause to try to find out who killed her and why… “To bring justice,” they said.
As tears welled in my eyes while I watched, I kept thinking, “How eerie…Cindy was a nurse…Cindy was missing for two weeks before her body was found in some bushes…I’m a family member who’s searching for an answer…and here is a mysterious death that is a cold case and I just wrote a Blog post asking if there were any other female family members who had experienced a mysterious death!”
What a coincidence!
Granted, there are several obvious differences between the two cases…there is no question whether Alex’s death was a murder or suicide—it’s obviously a murder…and there’s no questions about whether Alex had MPD (or something else), nor are there any questions about if she was in collusion with someone else or not!
But still…I can truly say I understand what it’s like to live with the “not knowing”…to feel what gets labeled as an obsession about that…to have a quest for closure and answers…the desire to find completion.
And thanks Patricia for contacting me about the show. It means a lot to have a friend who makes the connection between Cindy’s case and Alex’s and understands that I would have wanted to watch the airing.
(By the way, there’s a repeat airing about Alex on CBC-TV on Oct 26 in case you missed it…I know someone on the teacher’s chat board who missed the ending and was wondering if the ladies found their aunt’s killer, so I imagine there are other people who would like to see the repeat airing.)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
For three days in October 1989 I took a Stress Management Workshop offered to me through my workplace, from the Training and Development branch.
I jumped at the chance even though I knew some of my co-workers and my boss’s boss would be taking it as well!
At first I was nervous with the idea of people I worked with knowing how I was coping after the sudden, mysterious death of my sister, Cindy James, five months earlier. But then I realized this was an opportunity for them to understand me, and my needs, better! And maybe they wouldn’t judge me. In fact, maybe they would learn something about their beliefs around death and mourning…and learn how to reach out to those of us in pain!
I benefited a great deal from that workshop…learning how to pinpoint my fears, concerns, and stresses, and coming up with a plan that worked for me to gain relief…by walking, working out with weights, writing (and lots of that for me!), talking, breathing…
In that workshop I thought I might find someone who had experienced a similar situation to mine—that of a relative dying under unexplained circumstances—someone I could relate to.
But that October, I never did find anyone with a similar experience!
However, since then I’ve talked with people who had relatives die mysteriously. And via the media I’ve heard of several mysterious deaths and garnered a few details.
But now I wonder…is there another woman out there who has experienced the death of a female sibling under mysterious circumstances? Surely I can’t be the only one! There have to be other people out there!
Have you had an experience similar to mine?
If so, I’d love to hear about it!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
A few days ago someone wrote to me and said her local newspaper was featuring cold cases…and Cindy’s name came up along with a reference to me and my website. Thank you for that!
Did you know Cindy’s case has been touted as one of the most controversial cases Unsolved Mysteries ever did? —Not necessarily one that you don’t believe…but one that has the most amount of people on both sides of the fence of murder versus suicide.
Inquiring minds think it’s just too tough to tell whether Cindy was murdered or whether she committed an elaborate suicide. –At least that’s the consensus when only the previous evidence made available to the public is digested.
And Cindy’s case has also been touted as one of the most unsolvable cases with people asking, “Are we any closer to an answer now, than almost 20 years ago?”
(As you can imagine, I can hardly wait for my book to be made public so I may receive feedback on what people think after reading it!)
And it’s one case that many people have said they would love to see solved.
And it’s bizarre—with people writing, “I have a hard time believing she tied herself up the way she was tied.” “No way that was suicide.”
And people see it as impossible for her to inject herself with that amount of drugs and be tied up the way she was (true!).
I’ve received so many comments, including the following:
“The last several years of this woman’s life were nothing but a horrid nightmare. Definitely scary movie material.”
And, “I’d say that either the cops are lying to cover something up or they’re just brainless enough to think it was a suicide (despite evidence to the contrary).”
To those who have passed on their condolences to my family and I, and to those who have shared remembrances of Cindy with us, and to those who have come forward with new information and leads, and to all of you who have expressed interest in her case…I’d like to extend appreciation!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James