Writing is one of the powerful yet simple ways you can help yourself heal through grief. You can write sloppy or neat—it doesn’t matter. And this type of writing is just for you—so write freely without editorial judgment!
Write a letter to the person who has died. Tell them what is in your heart. Tell them what you miss about them (and what you don’t miss). Tell them all the things you left unsaid (the things you wanted to say) but never had the chance to say…
I remember the special time we had together when we…
You used to always say to me…
The things I miss the most…
I won’t miss…
I always laughed when you…
Most of all I remember…
I wish…
I always wanted to tell you…
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
Recently a fire raged within the community I live in, and it was nerve wracking. I’ll never forget the sight as I rounded the corner at the bottom of my street early one evening and saw the fire on the hill behind my home (I had been out river fishing with my family). Trees were exploding and shooting fireballs into the air. As much as it was mesmerizing, I realized I needed to take action before the fire got closer. But for a few seconds I couldn’t think straight – couldn’t decide what items I needed to pack for evacuation because I didn’t know how much time I had.
In that brief snippet of time I realized it was photos, my children’s projects from school, and the haphazard homemade gifts they had crafted with love that had priority. (A lot of other items could easily be replaced.) Along with those items I grabbed my computer hard drive having my book, Who Killed My Sister, My Friend, plus the big storage bins containing all the paper files relating to Cindy’s death. And cherished mementoes given to me by others were also whisked away.
Fortunately the fire never came much closer, so three or four days later all the treasures returned. I’m so grateful the fire stayed at bay, but I keep thinking about how devastating it must have been for Cindy when, during her seven years of harassment, she lost many precious items in her house-fire of April 1986. Treasures of the past really hold special memories!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
I recently received a copy of the 1991 W-5 coverage (a weekly public affairs TV program in Canada) about my sister’s case (the mysterious death of Cindy James), and viewed the segment for the first time ever. Even after having gone through the autopsy, toxicology and medical information and having read the police and medical reports and written the book Who Killed My Sister, My Friend — thinking I had now seen and heard and read just about everything to do with my sister’s death — I was brought to tears. I was now hearing Cindy’s shaky voice in a brief snippet of her interview with the police after her October 1988 assault, and it brought all the emotions flooding back—Why couldn’t I have helped her more? I just want to hug her once more, to touch her, and to tell her I love her. Oh, I miss her so much. And she has missed so much these past eighteen years.
Thanks Diana for sharing with me the beautiful book of memories your sister overseas made for you for your recent birthday. I know you were concerned it would be difficult for me to see the book knowing my sister was deceased and your sister was alive and able to share such precious remembrances with you. Her book is beautiful and it touched my soul and made me feel good about the relationship I had with Cindy—so thank you for sharing!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
EXTRA DOSES OF SMALL PLEASURES: walks in nature, favorite foods, naps, etc.
GOALS AND ROUTINE: For a while, when it feels like life is meaningless, having something to look forward to – small goals (dinner with a friend, a movie, a trip, a golf game) – to help you get through the day. Activities might seem less enjoyable than they used to but that changes with time. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. Later, when you are ready, you can work on longer-range goals.
HOPE: Those who have experienced a loss similar to yours, can offer comfort, hope, empathy and reassurance that you will get through this loss; You will have hope that the pain and grief you feel now can become less raw as time passes.
KNOWING IT’S OK TO BACKSLIDE: The grief journey is like riding on a roller coaster or walking on a spiral staircase – time and time again you go from extreme despair, sadness, emptiness, guilt, and anger into a period of feeling positive or good only to find yourself back in those negative feelings again. But this journey does not take you back to square one – you are growing emotionally and intellectually each time you revisit an emotion. It’s OK to take in grief a little bit at a time.
RELAXATION: Nourishment of your body and soul through rest, exercise and diversion.
STRESS REDUCTION: Allow yourself to be close to the people you trust so you can get help and relief from financial (and other) stresses. Even helping someone else who is suffering the same loss as you can reduce your stress.
TIME: Time (months – and sometimes years) to talk with people you trust and who will listen and not judge, and time to be alone. Time to feel and understand those exhausting feelings of loss.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
Last night as I sat listening to Matt Lauer’s Dateline conversation with Diana’s sons, Princes William and Harry, I was impressed with their desire to celebrate Diana’s life and energy. They want to focus on what she brought to the world—not on any image that the press has given of her.
I remember the moment I found out…wow, almost tens years ago now…about Diana’s accident and death in August 1997. My own son had only been a few weeks old when Diana died and I recall feeling shock, disbelief, horror, and sadness. It was that sudden, unexpected loss that had ripped at my heart (just like when my sister, Cindy, died eight years earlier) – it didn’t matter that I hadn’t known Diana personally because I had cherished her, as did so many people around the world.
Lauer asked Princes William and Harry if they thought they would ever see a day when they won’t wonder what happened (in the tunnel) the day their mother died. Basically their answer was, “No.” And I understand that. I know I will always wonder, just as I will always wonder what really happened to my sister, Cindy James.
Thankfully the brothers had each other to rely on to deal with Diana’s death. And I understand that too. I know I could never have dealt with Cindy’s tragedy if I hadn’t had my sister, Marlene, beside me.
Thanks, Marlene, for all your support and love!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
Now I don’t know about the following…seems very confusing to me…
A PI from the east coast of Canada contacted me recently and tried to draw a parallel between my sister, Cindy James, and Paris Hilton, because they both had breast implants and had been terrorized, he said. Life was a nightmare for them, he continued, (and this is where I get lost on the concept) because they had breast implants? Paris will be out of the penitentiary soon to face her terrorist — one Sean Penn, according to this PI. (And this PI also says Paris had implants only after a terror campaign against her was in full swing.)
Well Cindy never went to jail, but she was harassed (but not because of the breast implants that she had six months before her terror began) by an unknown perpetrator and eventually had her life extinguished after enduring 7 years of hell.
I’m sorry, I just don’t see the connection!
By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Cindy…
You would have been 63 today!
Sis, I love you and I miss you!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
I was reading through chapter 3 (Finding Cindy’s Body) of my book, checking for an error before the formatting/layout is complete, and realized it has been eighteen years since Cindy’s death. When I glanced at the calendar I realized today is the 27th, and she had disappeared on the 25th of May in 1989. I was shocked to realize this is the first year since her disappearance that I have not been conscious of the date in relation to Cindy’s tragedy.
What was I doing two days ago that it had slipped my mind?
I had been fully engaged in living…had my hair cut…took my child to REP soccer practice…watched, along with my family, the spectacular fireworks that signaled the start of the yearly local festivities of May Days…and never realized Cindy had disappeared eighteen years ago.
Now it feels like those bursts of color in the air last Friday signaled a more significant event for me.
And I have tears in my eyes.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
For some people it’s really hard to know what to say when they encounter a grieving person. You want to comfort and help, but feel anxious and stressed because you worry that what you say might produce more pain, so you avoid the bereaved. Here are some helpful hints on what to say:
“I’m sorry.”
“How are you doing with everything?”
“This must be difficult for you.”
“What can I do for you?”
“I’m here and I want to listen.”
“Take all the time you need.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Let’s go to dinner Thursday at 6pm. I’ll pick you up at 5:45. Does that sound OK?”
Avoid the following painful phrases:
“I know just how you feel.”
“It was God’s will.”
“She led a full life.”
“Be strong!”
“It was a blessing.”
“It happened for the best.”
“You are still young.”
“You can have another child.”
“Now it’s time for you to move on.”
“Call me if you need anything.” (Chances are the bereaved won’t call.)
“Do you want to go out to dinner on Thursday?” (Many people have trouble making decisions so it helps if you plan and then ask if it’s OK.)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
After my sister, Cindy, died, I was amazed that the rest of the world went on as usual. This immediate sense of isolation hit full force when, from the window of a limo en route to her funeral, I watched the world go by.
Before the limo picked us up for the funeral, some family pictures were taken. We all looked so morose. I sat in the back of the limo between my parents and held Mom’s hand. Her hand was very warm whereas my own hand felt like ice. I looked at Mom. She looked at me. She squeezed my hand. I felt like a zombie.
The limo driver was a young woman who took us along the waterfront around Richmond, B.C. Canada.
It was a long ride on a sunny day.
I looked out the window and watched the people, the trees, the water, the birds, everything go by.
Life was still carrying on out there.
Life was at a standstill for me.
I dreaded arriving at the funeral home, wondering what it would be like. I thought, “My God, we will be paying our respects to Cindy. She is dead. She must be. If everyone is acting this way and going to her funeral, then she must be dead.”
Oh God, I hadn’t wanted it to be true.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
Just as our body goes through a healing process when it is injured, our mind enters into a healing process that allows itself to recover from the emotional injury of being traumatized. It is true that you lose a mirror for your heart when someone you love, dies! There is no “sure cure” in grief. Our grieving isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it just is! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t doing it right! There is no one correct way. There are no lists that you have to follow—no set course or specific schedule that will get you to “the end” at any specific time. In my grief journey I discovered that although the passage of time softened the pain a bit, it was what I was able to do with that time that mattered.
First, I had to give myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling and just be. A lot of mixed feelings and symptoms ebbed and flowed like the tide — shock, numbness, disbelief, denial, restlessness, confusion, lonliness, anger, guilt, shame, frustration, fear, sadness, despair, and more. The music of Zamfir, the smell of lilac, wearing purple, eating strawberries (which my sister, Cindy, loved), and watching sisters together reminded me of Cindy and triggered spontaneous tears, as did the sight of beautiful gardens and other special activities and rituals. I created a shrine to Cindy with pictures of her and lit candles in her memory, I screamed into towels, I walked in nature, and for a while I wore the clothes I inherited from her and ran my fingers through the material before finally giving most of them away. And I needed to talk, and talk some more, about Cindy and her death and not feel guilty for that need. When I was still overwhelmed, I turned to journaling and sought out a counselor. I cried, I grieved, I looked inward, I examined the world around me, I asked questions, and I ultimately knew there were implications for our society.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James