Going through your loved ones personal effects and keeping some of those items for yourself is an important ritual. When the time came for my family to choose which of Cindy’s items we would inherit, I hung onto the railing of Cindy’s deck and wept. All I wanted was Cindy back! I didn’t want any of her things. They wouldn’t bring her back. Possessions meant absolutely nothing to me then. I just didn’t care.
“If only I could see you alive, Cindy, and hug you just one more time. That’s all I want!” It was torturous for me to think I could replace Cindy by having her possessions.
Grief is rarely rational.
The idea wasn’t to replace Cindy; it was to cherish and remember her through her belongings. I wasn’t ready to know what I wanted but fortunately I had a family that insisted I take some things, which I eventually did, and those items became treasures. I’m so glad now that I have them.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
When my brother-in-law, Larry, died in a plane crash in 1973, his body was fragmented and in such a horrible state from the fire that his casket had to be closed and my sister, Marlene, never got to see him. Years later she told me how she had had such a difficult time facing the reality of his death because she never got to see his body. The only way he could be identified was by a letter from Marlene, which he had lovingly tucked in his breast pocket.
When my sister, Cindy, died, it was of utmost importance for Marlene and I to see the body—even though we knew it was decomposed. Just seeing and touching only the hand was enough to make the reality begin. It was by no means easy…
“God, it feels like I am in a dream as I walk into the viewing room. I cannot believe this is happening. I do not remember who is in the room first, but suddenly I am standing beside a table that has a white cloth over a petite body. Only the left hand is visible from below a wrist, so well wrapped and tightly bound in linen cloth that it is impossible to see any other part of her.
…
Ken [my youngest brother] is standing at the head of the body with his palms resting on the covered skull like he is blessing it.
…
Marlene is in the room somewhere and she is crying.
…
I see Roger [my middle brother] cup the hand attached to the body—I can’t yet comprehend that this is Cindy—in a gentle way and then bend down to kiss it. He says…
…
I take a deep breath and lift up the sheet. …”
Sometimes it is difficult or even impossible to see a body that is badly burned or damaged. You have to make the decision for yourself whether or not to see the body. I strongly urge you to weigh the options. You need to ask yourself, “What is the last visual image I want to have of my loved one?” It is a decision you will live with the rest of your life. Sometimes you are the one who needs to do a positive identification of the body and you have no choice of whether or not to view. As hard as it is to deal with, this too you shall survive.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
I was twelve when my brother-in-law, Larry, died. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. He was like a brother to me and nobody talked to me very much about his death. For years I was haunted by a sense of unreality and yearning for him to “come home”. I still have the story about his death, which I started to write in middle school. Back then I desperately needed to make his death real. I tried so hard. My schoolwork suffered. I had dreams of him and all the while there was this sense that I was not allowed to talk about it. I was just a kid. While lying in bed at night I thought I could visualize his face floating in my room, keeping a loving eye on me, and thought maybe he was asking me to help comfort my sister.
Years later when I was a teenager and my maternal grandmother died, I made sure I went to her funeral and saw her in the open casket. I realize that when parents and guardians are also grieving, they try to do what is best for children but sometimes they forget that a child can suffer deeply too. That is a topic for another book but I bring it up here to make you aware that children have needs too.
Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
Many people who have shared their sorrows with me about their own losses of loved ones have told me how “lucky” I was to have a “meeting” with Cindy (see my previous Blog entry) and how they yearned to also have such an encounter with the person they lost in death. I’ve heard how other people, while struggling with grief, have experienced changes in sleep patterns—had nightmares, hallucinations, vivid dreams and daydreams. And because the yearning to be with the deceased is so strong, some people even try to contact the dead person through other means.
If you are having extended periods of insomnia or exaggerated searching behavior, you may need special attention. It is so important to know you have resources. Seek them out when you need them. You can go to Family Services, First Nations Health, your pastor or minister, a relative, a friend, your physician or Hospice (that’s where I went). Perhaps you can think of others.
Remember, caffeine and alcohol can play havoc with sleep patterns. And if you are on medication it should be one that doesn’t interfere with your REM sleep. Sedation medications can delay grief such that when they are discontinued, the grief will return and you may have less support around you because time has passed.
Be gentle with yourself—you are the best caretaker you have!
Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
I knew I would be publishing Who Killed My Sister, My Friend one day, because of a dream…
…I am walking under a canopy of branches and heading down some stone steps that are cool to the touch, until I arrive upon a breathtaking beach. On this sweltering summer day I seem to have found my perfectly secluded spot.
Stepping onto the hot sand, I am mesmerized by the ocean’s waves licking the shore. My tongue detects salt in the air. The magical pan flute of Zamfir tickles the hair in my ears. I hum along.
Looking far to my right, I see someone already soaking up my perfect day. She is reading a book while lying on a fuzzy purple beach towel large enough for two people.
She is alone.
There is something familiar about her and curiosity draws me closer.
It does not come as a surprise that it is my dead sister, Cindy. She looks radiant. She is so engrossed in a fascinating book that she does not take notice of me until I am right beside her. She calmly lays the book down, turns her eyes to me, and smiles an approving smile. As soon as I glance at the book I know immediately what I will do one day. The book she is reading is called My Sister, My Friend – and I, Melanie Hack, am its author.
She wants this story, this incredible mystery that was her life, shared.
And she wants me to write it. Realizing all stories without an end never go away, I understand the message veiled in her eyes. It relates to how she wrote on June 2, 1988, almost exactly one year prior to her body being found, “I feel a strong need for justice that I have to accept will never occur.”
Melanie Hack
author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
Imagine my surprise when I recently received an email from a young woman, now living in North Vancouver, who had been a Blenheim House client of my sister, Cindy James, three or four years before Cindy’s mysterious death in 1989. She said, “Cindy told me there were really bad people in this world and that it’s normal and ok to be scared (little did I really know at 4) but that you had to place your trust in someone, anyone. She was my someone. I would like to thank you and your family for raising a daughter and sister that was my safe place. We were close. She came to scatter my mom’s ashes. She was at my baptism. She gave me strength and hope. I could go on for hours. I miss her as everyone does. … I have spent many years going over news clippings from her murder. I am firm that that is what it truly was. Murder. Cindy was the only person I would trust. Cindy gave me the faith to trust. I would love to give it back.”
Does that sound like someone children needed to fear? Would it surprise you to know a secret C-237 RCMP report had stated in 1986, “Conversation with a (Force) psychologist, who does not know Makepeace [Cindy James] but was advised of Makepeace’s history [7 years of threats and harassment against Cindy], finds the following:
“Makepeace … should be considered as a dangerous person around children. … Further, it was suggested that, because she works with children with behavioral problems (Blenheim House), the school should be notified.” Within weeks, Cindy’s employment at Blenheim House was terminated. It is outrageous to think that someone who never even interviewed or spent any time with Cindy, could come up with such a belief and that the police would act on that opinion as if it were a fact.
And I believe that when Cindy lost her job, the course of her life took a downward turn. This was something she never recovered from. Her kids, her job, and her coworkers were her lifeboats in a world of turmoil. Years later I would discover Cindy wrote about losing them–within the hidden papers I found.
This young woman who recently contacted me, haunted by dreams of Cindy since she was 10, wrote in an e-mail to me, “My dreams, she is sitting in her office at Blenheim House and she’s petting her black dog saying that she’s scared of people too and that it’s ok. She repeats this over and over. Others are when she visited my adopted parents house and she was pushing me on the swing in our yard. In this dream she is asking me how the air feels, almost begging me to tell her it’s fresh and cool. I truly don’t know the meaning behind these at all. As I have said, she haunts me. Or maybe I feel the need to help her the way she did for myself.”
If you have any memories of Cindy, or any information about her life and death, please contact me.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
I had no idea so many people were still avidly debating the death of my sister, Cindy James. I was recently invited to post a message on the UM message board after someone wrote a note to me by gaining access through my website. It has been wonderful to receive so many messages from people all over the world passing on condolences and wishes to my family. I just want to say thank you, and I appreciate all the support that has been shown. I have spent several years meticulously pouring over police files and inquest notes looking for the missed information to solve this case. If you would like to be notified when the book is ready, drop by my website.
Thanks again for your support.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
The Pickton trial started today and I find myself concerned for the families of the victims. To read how one couple left the courtroom sobbing, breaks my heart. Then when I saw the mother of one of the murdered women exclaim on TV how you can never be prepared for the gruesome details that are presented at trial, I thought how true that is.
When my sister, Cindy James, died and I saw the pictures of her decomposing body, I thought the photos were horrific and her death seemed unreal. Her face was black and her mouth was open with the teeth on the right side of her head exposed. In another photo, I saw her trussed body. I saw her naked and partially mummified body. The photos were so cold, so impersonal, and my heart was clutched in an icy grip and my brain went numb from grief.
Then when I read her autopsy report – that was worse. I thought I had been catapulted into Hell because the written words were chilling and gruesome and such a violation of my beloved sister.
But, in court, watching a police video of the death scene showing Cindy’s body from several angles as well as the abandoned house and the general area where she was found, and more video showing Cindy’s uncovered body lying on a gurney, on her stomach with her arms and legs still tied behind her and the stocking still around her neck while Dr. Sheila Carslile, an expert forensic pathologist in the Coroner’s Service in the Fraser Region of B.C. was talking on the video as she examined the ligatures during this post mortem, I was in shock. I wanted to escape that room and run and never look back, but as surely as my heart was bleeding from pain, I wanted an answer to her death, so I felt compelled to endure the horror. I listened to people talk about Cindy as if she was a body and not a real person, and many times I felt like screaming, “That is Cindy you are talking about—not Cindy James! She was more than just a name!”
So I empathize with the families of the victims who have to endure the horror of the gruesome details of a loved one’s death and remains being broadcast in the courtroom as they sit in anguish, helpless, deep in despair and grief. It is absolutely horrifying!
Thank God counselors have been made available to them! Even so, such an experience never leaves your heart – never leaves your soul!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
I found an absolutely wonderful soul to help me in my healing journey (to help me let go of pain and come out on the other side where happiness waits) – her name is Melissa Hoffman, and she truly has the voice of an angel. She will knock your socks off!
We scheduled a time to talk (a consultation) after I had filled out a general questionnaire asking me to describe, with emotion, specific experiences in my life. Without rushing me or stressing me out, she coaxed valuable information from me that she used to create an amazing personalized power meditation to free my spirit and assist me in reaching the goals I believe I can achieve. As if that weren’t enough, she gave me a personal affirmation to get me started and told me to allow myself to feel the happiness, the energy, and the empowerment of the great memories I had shared with her. And she had checked in with me from time to time to see how I was doing!
I can hardly wait to listen to my meditation again – I only got it this morning and was told to listen to it once a day, but I have to confess I’ve listened to it four times already! It is SO powerful and beautiful and gives me warm fuzzies all over. I love it!
Check out Melissa Hoffman at www.BringYourDreamsToLife.com
Be sure to click the Live Your Dreams audio
You’ll be so happy you did!
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend –
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James
You might be sailing through a good day (whether at work, at home, or at play) and all of a sudden get hit with a flood of emotions, or panic, because you realize you are approaching the anniversary date of your loved one’s death. Or maybe his/her birthday is just around the corner. Or maybe you are dreading the holidays, fearing your heart will be gripped by sadness and your mind bombarded with agonizing memories of happier times. This is a normal response. And it can happen every year, for quite a while. This “anniversary response” can even be triggered by a sound, a smell, a sight, or a song.
But a bridge of memories can help span the distance between you and your beloved. And by recording precious memories (whether through writing letters of unspoken thoughts to your loved one, or journaling, or creating a poem or a song or a scrapbook or a photo album, or talking to someone about the person you miss) you are building strength to sustain yourself during the difficult periods. So think about what you can do for yourself to make the anniversary date easier to bear. Remember the times you laughed together so hard that you were brought to tears. Recall the fun you had. But do not feel guilty for being alive. Do not turn your back upon enjoyment. Enjoy it when you can. And grieve when it hurts.
We all do different things to help the anniversary pass. It’s going to be tough. You can’t help it. Get as much rest as you can and take one hour at a time. Try to do things with the people who recharge you and comfort you, or talk to people who can relate to what you are experiencing. Try to stick to your regular routine and get some exercise or fresh air if you can. Do something creative. And remember the strategies that helped you in the past when you were challenged.
What does it feel like to have to experience a special date without your loved one? I know there is a lot you want to say. And I know it feels inadequate to not be able to talk to your loved one in person. Hold on to those precious memories you have. They are a gift that can never be taken away because they are carefully tucked into the recesses of your heart.
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend –
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James