This past week I mentioned how your mind, your body, your immune system and stress are all interrelated in grief.

I suggested using a modification of gestalt therapy called ‘open chair’ to face the reality of a death, using candle gazing to create inner peace, and using mindfulness and meditation to release pain.

Let’s take a closer look at mindfulness. There are four foundations (body, feelings, mind states, mind objects):

Body includes, amongst other aspects, being aware of postures, somatic sensations (touch) and the breath; what are your five physical senses perceiving?

Feelings (not mindfulness of the emotions) but more being attentive to the qualities of pleasantness, unpleasantness or neutrality that arises in the mind in relationship to physical sensations or mental processes.

Mind states; being aware of the states of mind that may color the mind, such as a distracted mind, a happy mind, an angry mind, a guilty mind and so on, and,

Mind objects; being aware of the content of mind such as thoughts, and being aware of how they condition both physical and mental processes.

Let’s take a look at anger as an example. Say you are angry with someone for taking his or her life (or angry at the person who murdered your beloved)…angry at the way they left…maybe angry that they didn’t say goodbye…(angry that there has been no justice, or angry that they didn’t get caught). In your mind you replay what happened, how you had no control, and your anger towards your beloved who committed suicide (or towards the murderer) gets stronger.

But stop. Focus on your feeling and recognize it as anger and label it as such. Become one with it. Then you can start to calm your anger with your breathing, “Breathing in, I know that anger is in me.” “Breathing out, I know I must put my energy into caring for my anger.” “Breathing in, I am calm.” “Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this anger.” Avoid thinking about the person you are angry at…instead focus on observing your anger. Once you release it, you can look deeper at your anger and examine the reason why you are angry—what are you telling yourself about the situation? (Are you feeling guilty? Are you feeling abandoned? Do you want revenge? –What ideas, beliefs and perceptions are leading to your suffering?). Once you understand the cause of the anger, the anger will already start to transform. Do not be afraid of it. Do not reject it. Understand that anger is energy within you and you are transforming it and freeing yourself from it.

I find it helps to go out into the fresh air and walk, and focus on my breathing and tell myself, “Breathing in, I know that [whatever feeling] is with me.” “Breathing out, I can take care of this.” As I walk I start to enjoy the beauty around me, the birds, the trees, how my body feels, I gather strength…and I calm myself, and then I can look closer at the feeling and its causes.

There are many mind tools that can be used to develop mindfulness.

Breathing exercises is one…to concentrate the mind by being aware of the rise and fall of your abdomen when you breathe. So you focus by cueing into your breathing. You are aware of your breath in and your breath out.

Another is to avoid unmindful people and choose mindful friends. Can we be there fully for another, to hear or witness the truth of their experience completely, without judgment or reactivity?

Another is to pay attention to your life and stay away from intoxicants.

And yet another is to keep a grief journal and track sorrow through the body.

In my next Blog post I’ll share a wonderful guided meditation.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James