Whether an anticipated death like that of Farrah Fawcett who’s battle with cancer was shared with millions of people on May 15, 2009 in a two-hour documentary called Farrah’s Story, or the personal battle of a close family member, or a sudden death like Cindy’s or Larry’s, or the grief of something intangible, none are easy.
Sometimes you think you’re recovering from one loss (or at least learning to deal with it) and then another death or loss happens and it throws you for a huge loop.
You’re thinking, “Okay, I’ve got it together now, things will be alright, I WILL survive.”
Then, WHAM, you lose someone else or your pet dies or you lose your job or you lose your house or a family member has an accident or gets ill…and it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under you.
You’re in grief overload.
At times like this it’s common for the pain from a previous death or loss to come back to the surface. I think we all carry our experiences with death onto and into the loss of our next loss we suffer, and it stirs emotions long forgotten.
The pain from one death has come back to the surface. And now you’re grieving your first loss all over again.
This is normal.
Some days are easier than others. For some people it helps to stay busy.
Lean on people you love…and who love you. It’s soooo important to have a support system—to build meaningful connections.
Keep sharing about your beloved. Talk about your feelings.
You MUST take care of yourself, especially your health, because the depth of sadness really can impact your health.
Being around people that understand what you are going through helps a great deal. That’s why bereavement support groups are so helpful.
Try Googling for grief message boards, and sharing your story of loss and pain with others in cyberspace. There are so many people with such wonderful ideas for coping. It’s a goldmine for support from people who really do empathize.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
The next time you catch yourself thinking you cannot do something, repeat to yourself, “I can do this!”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Jason’s Gift
by Sandy Goodman
When you left
You took the cool breeze of summer with you.
Rainbows paled,
Smiles became grimaces
And the air I sucked into my aching soul was fetid and thick.
Prayers became jokes,
Faith turned to doubt,
And hope lay buried under a rock.
Sunsets came in browns and grays,
muted by the dullness in my soul.
Then you returned….
Swooping into my heart,
transforming my reality,
And bringing me truth-
A gift throbbing with the intensity of spirit.
Now rainbows pulse with brilliance,
Breezes rustle emerald leaves,
And the air I breathe gently cools my burning soul.
I understand that to know turquoise,
I must first know gray.
And to know pink,
I must understand brown.
I had to huddle in the black of an endless night
before I could grasp the radiance of a purple dawn.
Without sleep,
There is no awakening.
Without darkness,
…. No light.
And without knowing the desperate,
screaming agony of death,
I did not know life.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
A young boy looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
A woman recently wrote to me and shared the story of her younger sister’s death…a sister 16 years younger than herself.
The police have one theory of what happened to her sister—suicide, an overdose. She has another theory.
The FBI is investigating.
She asks me, “How did you do it?”
Because many of you who read my Blog postings have asked similar questions as this woman did, I’m sharing my reply:
“My heart goes out to you!
“Look into the deepest part of you and you will know what you need to help yourself heal. It isn’t easy. You’ll have good and bad days.
“You’ll never forget your sister’s smile or her laugh or her voice or the love between the two of you…those things last forever. When Cindy died I was so afraid I would lose everything about her and it would be as if she never existed…but those precious memories never fade!
“The first few years are sooooo hard! — So much pain and unknowing (especially if the police are withholding info)…and it’s so hard to see a parent go through this too.
”Wrap yourself in tender loving care and believe that you will be OK.
“Through my work with Hospice, and now through my website, a lot of people have shared their sorrows with me about their own losses of loved ones…and how they yearn to have an encounter with the person they lost in death. It’s so common to experience a change in sleeping patterns — hallucinations, vivid dreams, daydreams…some people try to contact the deceased. (I wanted to talk with Cindy so bad…to ask her what happened in her final moments.)
“And through it all there was speculation and opinions from people about what really happened to Cindy…all I can say is you have to come to your own conclusion and belief system to help yourself heal.
“My sister has been dead for 20 years…and it was only after I had devoured the autopsy and toxicology results and sat through an inquest (and testified as a witness) and researched for my book and went through all the police reports (obtained through a lawyer) and all the medical files and everything relating to Cindy’s life and death that I was finally able to find a sense of peace! My parents had their own belief, as did my siblings…some the same as mine, and others the opposite, but it doesn’t matter. If you never know the answer as to what happened, you have to do what you need to do to find peace for yourself. For me that meant looking through every shred of evidence and leaving no stone unturned in order to understand. Nobody else in my family did what I did but they all benefited from what I did.
“Police make mistakes. A lot of people make mistakes…and it can be so frustrating…at times you feel like screaming or curling up into a little ball and closing off the world, or crying until you are exhausted…
“Sometime after she died I had brief and sporadic dreams with Cindy in them…in some she didn’t seem to see me or I couldn’t communicate with her (from the day she disappeared I kept a journal and wrote down all my dreams and thoughts and fears…everything) or the dreams didn’t make sense at the time because they involved things that were seemingly bizarre (and later when I analyzed them in light of new evidence that I uncovered years later, they made sense).
“And then finally…it was more than a year after Cindy’s death before I had a vivid dream experience (that seemed so real) with her in it. That dream happened on Aug 15, 1990 and Cindy had disappeared (and presumably died) on May 25, 1989!
“From that dream I realized I would write a book and have it published and help other people and share with the world some profound insights. But all this took me years and years…and it’s different for everybody. Healing is different for all of us; it depends on our personalities, our needs, our desires, our fears, our beliefs, and our expectations…
“So be gentle with yourself. Be real. Feel your feelings when they surface. Talk with people you trust. Cry when you need to and laugh when you can.
“Don’t beat yourself up because your feelings are absent or you don’t have dreams. You are responding in the way that is best for you at any time.
“Yes, this journey is so bloody hard! And it sucks!
“I wrote. I talked with people I trusted. I lit candles. I ‘talked to Cindy’ (sometimes out loud and sometimes on paper and sometimes just in my head). I went for walks. I wrote poetry. I listened to my favorite music and to her favorite music. I had long baths. I pounded pillows and screamed into them. I did so many things…
“Go the senate route if that is what you believe in. You will know…you will do what you have to.
“Let your mother have her own journey…but be available to listen if you want to and can. Her journey will be different than yours and that’s OK.
“You can continue to write to me if you want to. I’m always available to listen…sometimes it can take a while before I’m able to respond…but I do care.
“You are not alone.”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
A friend of mine opened his wife’s underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:
“This,” he said, “Isn’t any ordinary package.”
He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.
“She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on, was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it.”
He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house.
His wife had just died.
He turned to me and said, “Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.”
I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.
I no longer keep anything.
I use crystal glasses every day.
I’ll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.
I don’t save my special perfume for special occasions; I use it whenever I want to.
The words ‘Someday’ and ‘One Day’ are fading away from my dictionary.
If it’s worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.
I don’t know what my friend’s wife would have done if she knew she wouldn’t be here the next morning. This nobody can tell.
I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.
I’d like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.
It’s these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.
Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no one.
Thanks for passing this on to me, Roger.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“And what is as important as knowledge?” asked the mind.
“Caring and seeing with the heart,” answered the soul.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Hugs From Heaven
by Charlotte Anselmo
When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.
If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They’ve added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.
If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.
If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird’s chirping song
It’s music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.
If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.
So keep the joy in your heart
If you’re lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James