I am standing on the seashore.
A ship spreads her sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.
I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, “She is gone.”
“Gone where?” The loss of sight is in me, not in her.
Just at that moment when someone says, “She is gone,” there are others who are watching her coming.
Other voices take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”
And that is dying!
– Anonymous –
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
It had actually been a short trip to Nan’s place. Sure it was in another town, but the time had flown by because my mind had been preoccupied with memories of Arty…
—The way he always made sure there were lots of goodies and chocolate eggs for us to find at the Easter egg hunt
—Those spectacular hot cross buns he loved to bake this time of year
—The fascinating travel stories he told of days gone by (always said with a glint in his eye that made me wonder if he was making up half of it)
—And the way he made us all laugh with his silly little jokes.
Earlier in the day Nan told me how much she was looking forward to my visit. This would be her first Easter since Arty had passed away and she was anxious to share stories and reconnect. His death had hit her like a freight train—one minute they were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the next minute she was burying him.
While she served real green tea (the kind she learned to make years ago in Japan) and tasty little sandwiches (a tradition from Britain), we chatted about the fun times we remembered having with Arty.
The center of the table held the bouquet of spring flowers I had picked from my garden. And the hot-cross buns (made using Arty’s recipe) sat expectantly on the cooling rack.
When our laughter turned to tears, Nan cried on my shoulder and dabbed at her eyes with the lacy hanky she had given Arty when they got betrothed. She told me how grateful she was for our visit because it made her realize Arty would never be forgotten—not by her, or by the people who loved him.
He would be with her always—in her memories and in her heart—in just about everything she did.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
With Easter approaching, my mind turns to thoughts of, “What does it mean to be dead?”
Is it just life no longer as we know it?
Take a few minutes and consider the following questions (and then I’ll explain why I ask):
Is there consciousness under general anesthesia?
Or does a patient only experience the moment prior to unconsciousness and the moment when s/he awakens?
What happens in between—during the transition?
This may be off topic…but I remember when I was a kid and I would fall asleep at night and when I woke up it was the next morning and it seemed instantaneous. Do you remember times like that?
Could you use the above analogies to try to understand death and an afterlife?
If you believe in resurrection (as Jesus arose from the dead three days after his death) are you just having your consciousness regained?
(Obviously we can’t know for sure until our own time comes to experience it.)
But I’d really like to know if you think “death” exists!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
I think about being able to look down upon my sister, Cindy, and her last moments alive.
What happened?
Was someone with her?
Was she terrified?
Did she feel peace?
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Someone recently wrote to me:
“I remember when your sister was found. I remember thinking that there was no way a person could “hog tie” themselves the way your sister had. Especially after an overdose. She would have vomited. Where was the evidence of that? To my understanding there wasn’t any which would indicate she either vomited somewhere else or she was unconscious when she was placed in her final resting place and wasn’t capable. Either way she wouldn’t have been able to achieve that on her own.”
To counter that, some people have expressed the belief that Cindy would have had enough time to tie herself up in the manner she was found even though she had massive doses of drugs in her system—they cite the fact that a so-called knot expert demonstrated it at the inquest.
Well this “expert” obviously never had drugs in his system at the time of demonstration—but uh, wouldn’t having drugs in the system have made a difference?
I was there in the courtroom when this demonstration went down and he said he was not knowledgeable about tying yourself up when under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Without having drugs in his system it took him approximately three minutes to tie the knots and loops for all four limbs, slip his feet into two loops, tie a ligature around his neck and then slip his hands into the remaining two loops, step through his hands so they would be bound behind his back, and fall over onto his side, as Cindy’s body was found.
Note: He admitted he felt lightheaded several seconds after tying the ligature around his neck but his breathing was not impaired. So add massive drugs in the system –wouldn’t a person be fumbling?
And, when the knot fellow tied himself up in the demo, a different set of knots was tightest in comparison to the set of knots that were tightest on Cindy. That seems like an important point to me, showing they were pulled or stressed for a different reason or perhaps someone else was involved.
And he was also unable to say if one person or two tied the death ligatures!
His testimony did not prove or disprove anything about her death being a murder or suicide. As with all the other testimony that was presented at the inquest, there was no proof either way. In other words, anything was possible (Cindy could have tied herself up, she could have had an accomplice, or it could have been the work of one or more malevolent strangers) but nothing concrete could be determined from the way the knots were tied.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
In case you missed the comment that Rita posted on the March 3rd Blog, here it is:
“I remember this story [Cindy James] very well. I remember how it was reported in the media. I don’t believe your sister was mentally ill. I think she had too many people around her that would have suspected if she was. If she suffered from a dissociative disorder she would have had large gaps of time missing from her life. The only gaps in time she was missing was when she was assaulted. Which when there is a trauma, especially a head trauma, a person often forgets.”
When my sister, Cindy, was alive, I had no idea of the degree of hell she was suffering through with her harassment—and I had believed she was definitely not crazy, nor suffering from a multiple personality. A dissociative disorder would have been a thought outside the realm of possibility at the time, if anyone had dared to suggest it.
Do you have an opinion about Cindy’s state of mind? What do you think?
Check out what people are saying (about Cindy and her case) at the UM message board and post your thoughts here in the comments section. (Or join the UM board and post your thoughts there. Then let me know by email what you think and I’ll post your thoughts here in an upcoming Blog.)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
When I puzzled over whether it was possible for my sister’s body to have lain for two weeks near the abandoned party-place where her body was discovered and remain unseen and not attract scavengers, this is one email response I received from someone who had lived near the scene:
“About Cindy being hidden there for two weeks…in my opinion, that is 99-100% impossible. That was the busiest intersection in Richmond at the time, tons of cars and people passing through at all hours, dogwalkers and kids cutting through the area on a shortcut to the mall. You could pretty well see right into there from the 7-11 across the street and the landscape, like most of Richmond, was basically just flat and not far from a major road. Plus, you’re right, the abandoned house was used for partying by older kids and you would often see beer cans and cigarette butts lying about on the grounds and even in back of the house, so it seems extremely unlikely that someone wouldn’t have noticed her body there in that amount of time. I’ve never understood how police could seriously entertain the idea that no one would have noticed her from the sidewalk, where there would have been a very clear view in. The only thing that makes sense to me is that her body must have been dropped off later, or someone would surely have seen her sooner.
“… I’m so glad that you’re writing a newer book about Cindy’s story, and how wonderful to have the perspective of one of her relatives. Best of luck of with the rest of your writing!”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
When someone recently wrote to me about what her curiosity (with the place where Cindy’s tied-up body was found) had led her and her friend to do, I responded with:
“I too went to the spot where Cindy was found and roamed around there looking for clues. And when I went back years later, I was shocked to see the new buildings in the area.
“I could never understand how she could have remained hidden for two weeks…but you would know that better than I because you lived there and would know if it was possible to be unseen from the road and not attract animals…and I had heard the abandoned house was a party house for teenagers so I always wondered why a young person never saw her body if there were young adults partying there.
“I can easily visualize two 13-year-olds doing what you did [see my previous Blog] …you described it so well! I think so many people would have wanted to do the same thing you did!”
In my next Blog you’ll read the additional information this person wrote back to me.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Here is an excerpt from an email I recently received from someone who came across my website while she was searching for new information about my sister’s death:
“I was 13 years old and living just two blocks away from the scene back when her [Cindy James] body was discovered in that terrifying, awful way. I used to pass by twice a day on my way to and from school, often stopping to wonder what actually happened to her, what she was like when alive, etc. At the time, the story touched my best friend and I so deeply that we read and re-read everything we could find about her. When the police brought forth their suicide theory, we got so frustrated and enraged that one day the two of us went to roughly the same spot, laid down on the ground and repeatedly attempted to test out whether someone could actually tie themselves up that way.
“Over the nearly 20 years since then, though I never actually knew her, Cindy still keeps popping up into my mind now. Today when I drive by the apartment complex that has been long since built over top of the house and field, I can still only think of this location as the place where they found Cindy James, the pretty woman who seemed so sad and terrified, but had a quality in her eyes that hinted at her even more beautiful spirit and soul. The whole thing has always felt so haunting and tragic to me and I offer my deepest condolences to you and your family over her loss.
“I congratulate, admire, respect and thank you in advance, Melanie, for the bravery, hard work, dedication, love, suffering and determination that you have undoubtedly poured into this book, as well as into your website and Blogs. You are every bit as strong, courageous and caring as your sister appeared to be. I imagine her smiling down on you from the Heavens.”
In my next Blog I’ll share my response.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Now I think if my sister, Cindy James, had killed herself and planned it, on some levels it would not have been easy (so much to consider!):
She would have had to spend time weighing up the different methods and making it look like murder because, after all, if she just wanted to take her life she could have done it by downing pills at home. But instead, there’s this huge controversy about whether her death was murder or suicide.
One of the things she would have had to consider is the degree of pain she could tolerate.
She would have had to settle on overdosing as her best option and then found a way to acquire the morphine and Flurazepam that was found in her body (neither was a prescription she had). So would she have enlisted the help of drug dealers and how would she know where to find them? Or would she have already known someone who could easily access drugs to pass on to her (and know they would never fess up after her death—good grief, assisted suicide is illegal in Canada so of course the person helping wouldn’t talk!)? Or would Cindy have cunningly stolen the drugs from the hospital where she worked…in such a way that NOBODY would EVER find out what she was doing (an amazing feat don’t you think?) –is it possible? Or would someone have helped cover it up?
So if Cindy planned her death she must have decided she didn’t want to be rescued “in time” (she wanted to prevent premature discovery). So she would have had to also think about whom she did and DIDN”T want to find her body (and pick an appropriate location)! And since there was ten times the amount of drugs in her body necessary to kill her, I’m thinking at this point, “Wow, a pretty definite decision on death!” Not to mention a great desire to feel no pain with all that morphine!
And, Cindy would have had to think about where to do it. Now here’s a huge can of worms with a lot of things for her to consider. How would she have known about the abandoned house and property as a good place to hide her body? (Would she have just seen it one day and thought, “Hmmm…that looks like a good spot.” Or would someone have pointed it out?) And in what would she have concealed the drugs? (After all, no containers with traces of drugs were found near her abandoned car or at the death scene.) …
She would have had to practice tying herself up. (She would have needed to make sure she could do it. Right?) But how could she be sure she could do it with all those drugs in her body? Or as a nurse, and being determined, would she have just KNOWN she could do it in a small window of time? (Lets face it…she would have had to swallow the drugs and experience a loss of both motor and reasoning control…and in what amount of time exactly to ensure she accomplished the feat?)
She would have had to think about the finality of death and prepare herself for that. And think about what would happen to her after death! (If you make a choice to die, and carefully plan it out, don’t you think you would need to feel some sort of peace about it all?)
So Cindy would have had to think about how she would say goodbye to her loved ones and friends (without them suspecting, of course, because she wouldn’t have wanted people to know she committed suicide—otherwise she would have made it more obvious; Was her last letter to me…dated May 2oth, 1989…some sort of a goodbye?). And she would have had to think about whom to say goodbye to. Knowing Cindy, I believe she would have thought about the distress suicide would have caused her loved ones and friends (and maybe that’s why she would have had to make it look like murder—an easy decision to not leave a suicide note).
And she obviously wouldn’t have needed to take alcohol to give herself the courage to follow through (no alcohol was found in her system). —Maybe the extra doses of drugs would have given her the courage?
And if she was depressed, where would that have fallen into all her thinking?
Can you think of other considerations? (How about when and where she would have bought the nylons without anyone seeing her and how would she have paid for them? — she didn’t use a separate cheque and it wasn’t on her grocery purchase. I know that because I found her receipt years later — the receipt the police didn’t find. And her bank account shows she didn’t withdraw money on her day of death so I assume she wouldn’t have used cash.) …
(What if she had DID—formerly known as multiple personality disorder? Would that have made it easier or harder to plan her death, and what do you imagine would have happened in that scenario?)
Does a planned death by Cindy seem likely?
I’d say she took a lot of chances in not being detected or stopped if she did all this by herself! –An absolutely amazing accomplishment, really!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James