Not all suicides are planned in advance (not everyone leaves suicide notes or arranges their affairs).

So some people who attempt suicide mean to die (and are disappointed when it fails) and some don’t (and are relieved when it doesn’t work). And some haven’t really made up their minds (they don’t care).

Many young people who mean to die are usually depressed and/or angry and perfectionistic, or wanting to escape a hopeless situation or an awful state of mind.

But a LOT of suicidal people do not want to die! Being in pain, they simply want to stop the pain. So for some, a suicide attempt is a way to express deep emotional pain. Not being able to say how they feel, they attempt suicide because it feels like the only way to get their message across.

Some people will harm themselves as a way to reduce tension or gain relief—to soothe themselves.

And some secretly hope someone will help them. (And they make sure they will be found and rescued.)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Wilf was a sweet 60-year-old man suffering from Huntington’s chorea.

I visited Wilf every week. I took him (and his wheelchair, which folded into the trunk of my little car) wherever he wanted to go…to the mall…to the park…to visit friends…. He always insisted I join in any fun or conversations with his friends.

Sometimes we sat in his room and looked through his photo albums—he tried so hard to communicate the joys and tears of his life. And I loved hearing his stories, as best he could share them. Sometimes, when he was awfully tired, he insisted I read him any cards and letters he received.

And sometimes I met him in the “entertainment” room after lunch had been served. That’s where he was that day in September when my son, who wasn’t even six weeks old, visited Wilf along with my two-year-old daughter and me.

As Wilf sat in his wheelchair, I gently laid my son in his lap. With the greatest of care and love, Wilf “held” him. Residents of the home wandered past and watched us. Many came up to us and congratulated Wilf on his adorable grandson. He never corrected any of them—you see, we weren’t related to Wilf.

But as Wilf held his “grandson” he told me that when he was dying he would remember holding this little boy in this way. And he told me how special the experience was for him.

I guess he knew then that he didn’t have long to live and it filled him with great love to be holding a new life.

Wilf took his life two months later. I never saw it coming. Neither did any of the other Hospice workers or staff at the home. We were all stunned. Sure, we all had discussed death and the afterlife with him as his condition declined—but he had never talked of suicide.

He had never acted as if it was a thought that had passed through his mind!

For a long time I thought I should have known (that day in the entertainment room) that something was amiss.

To be honest, that time had been magical. I had been oblivious to the underlying message. (But I kept asking myself, “How could all of us in his life have missed our little messages?”)

Today I realize Wilf had found comfort that day. (He had already made a decision and nobody was going to stop him.) So he had cherished the time he had left.

And I also recognize that my son, at such a tender age, had touched the soul of another.

I miss you Wilf!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
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For a season there must be pain-
For a little, little space
I shall lose the sight of her face,
Take back the old life again
While she is at rest in her place.

For a season this pain must endure,
For a little, little while
I shall sigh more often than smile
Till Time shall work me a cure,
And the pitiful days beguile.

For that season we must be apart,
For a little length of years,
Till my life’s last hour nears,
And, above the beat of my heart,
I hear Her voice in my ears.

But I shall not understand-
Being set on some later love,
Shall not know her for whom I strove,
Till she reach me forth her hand,
Saying, “Who but I have the right?”
And out of a troubled night
Shall draw me safe to the land.

-Rudyard Kipling-

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Imagine retiring or finding yourself unemployed after years of service (losing your role as a productive individual; experiencing a decline in income or earning power).

And imagine losing your independence, health or ability to care for yourself on a day-to-day basis.

Then imagine losing long-time friends or associates, one after the other…with increasing frequency.

And then imagine living your whole life with a partner and then having that person die when you are in your golden years.

The compounded losses are agonizing. Devastating.

For some people the pain is so overwhelming that they choose to stop living and quickly die (from a broken heart)…or commit suicide.

If you think someone is at risk for suicide, become involved by showing that you care—listen to their troubles and generally give them hope and encouragement.

And be sure to ask them to talk about their happy memories (the good old days).

And if you are able, organize regular visits from people so they feel wanted and loved.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

The later years of a person’s life can be filled with loneliness (social isolation), psychological distress, dissatisfaction with life, uncontrollable pain and physical illness (and an unspoken fear of dying a prolonged death or a fear of being institutionalized), and a hopelessness to change their situation.

And there are those who suffer with untreated depression—sometimes hidden for fear of appearing weak or appearing to suffer from dementia.

Being tired, sometimes they just want to pull the covers over their heads and shut out the world.

Henry, unwilling to live in the house by himself after his sweetheart of 56 years passed away from cancer, sent cards to his friends and relatives, organized his will…then shot himself in the head.

…

Not long after 72-year-old Anne had retired on disability from her job as a librarian, she paid her bills, set out a freshly ironed outfit and taped a note to the front door:
“Don’t come in by yourself.
Sorry.
Anne.”
Anne overdosed on sleeping pills.

…

Wilfred, tired of battling his disability, went outside in minus 30 degree Celsius temperatures (-22 ºF), wheeled himself to the edge of the river concealed by trees in the park, took off his winter parka, toque and gloves, and threw his body into the snow. He froze to death very quickly.

Yes, even some elderly men and women take their life (the highest rates are among those who are widowed or divorced).

But suicide for the older person is not an impulsive act. They usually make sure the act will be successful.

In my next Blog I’ll share some ideas on how you can help someone if you think they are at risk for suicide.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

The only person who is with us our entire life, is our self.

So LIVE while you are alive!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Did you know that most people who commit suicide have depression?

And did you know that suicidal people often don’t even realize they are depressed?!

And, did you also know that depressed people don’t really think about the fact that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem? (They don’t think about it in the same way that other people do! –Depressed people focus on the negatives of the situation they are in. And they believe they will never be happy.)

Their depression distorts their thinking.

Did you know that teens with alcohol and drug problems are also more at risk for suicidal thinking and behavior? That’s because alcohol and some drugs have depressive effects on the brain. And by misusing these substances you can bring on serious depression. That’s especially true for some teens that already have a tendency to depression because of their biology, family history, or other life stressors!

Did you know that many suicide attempts occur when a person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs?

Yes, depression and drug problems (especially together) increase a person’s risk for suicide.

But did you know that many times, though, suicide attempts happen impulsively, in a moment of feeling desperately upset—A situation like:

• A breakup,
• A big fight with a parent,
• An unintended pregnancy,
• Being “outed” by someone else,
• …Or being victimized in any way.

Often, a situation like this, on top of an existing depression, acts like the final straw.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

You may be struggling with the mistaken belief that someone’s death was your fault. (“If only I had stopped him/her.” “I should have seen it coming.” “I upset him/her.” “I pushed him/her too hard.” “I should have got him/her help.” “I should have paid more attention.” …)

Please know that there are a lot of reasons why people commit suicide (or try to), and very rarely is it directly someone else’s fault! (It’s usually a distortion in thinking—how someone perceives what’s happening to her/him and s/he feels suicide is the only way out.)

“I was just trying to escape [my problems].”

“I wanted to get away from what was going on.”

“I figured it was the best way to deal with my horrible existence.”

“I didn’t really want to die…I just wanted the pain to stop!”

“It felt like there was no other way out.”

“I hated myself.”

“I hated my life.”

“I couldn’t deal with the pressure.”

“I just wanted relief from [really bad thoughts or feelings].”

“Nobody cared.”

“What else could I do?”

Some people who’ve attempted suicide (and some who end their lives with notes left behind) were trying to get away from feelings of rejection, hurt, or loss.

Others were angry, ashamed, or guilty about something.

And others were worried about disappointing friends or family members.

And some felt unwanted, unloved, victimized, or like they were a burden to others.

Again, it’s not your fault.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Often suicidal teens want someone (an informed friend) who understands and who will listen as they talk—someone who truly listens and doesn’t give solutions or advice!

“You don’t seem to be like your old self.”

“I’m listening if you want to talk.”

“I’m not sure what I can do to help, but I’ll try.”

“I can tell that something is wrong and that you are hurting.”

“I’m your friend and I care about you. I want to help if I can.”

“I don’t want you to take your life.”

“I can’t promise to keep this a secret. We’re friends and I want to help but we need to talk to someone who can help us.”

“I think we need to talk to someone who knows what to do to help you.”

“Can we go talk to (an adult) together?”

Let a suicidal teen know that they are not the only one that’s ever felt like taking their life.

Let them know that other people have similar problems.

In my next Blog I’ll share what some teens have said were their reasons for trying to take their life.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

In my last Blog I discussed talking to teens, adolescents and friends if you suspect they might be suicidal. Here are some questions you can ask to find out just what their suicidal intentions are:

“You’ve been talking about suicide a lot lately—are things getting so bad that you are thinking about killing yourself?” (Often they feel so alone that death seems better than any life they could imagine.)

“What’s going on in your life that’s making you think of suicide?” (Often the answer is they feel worthless [“not good enough”; incompetent; weak—unable to deal with pain because they don’t know how] and alienated from parents and others; misunderstood, ignored and blame themselves for problems in the home.)

“What’s happened that’s made things so bad for you?” (Often they no longer think their lives matter to anyone—these thoughts are persistent and won’t go away.)

“Do you have a plan to end your life?”

“How often do you think about dying?”

“Is the feeling strong?” “How long does it last?”

“Have you ever attempted suicide?”

“Do you know of anyone who’s attempted or completed suicide?”

“Do you know anyone who will try to stop you from committing suicide?” (Ask for names, addresses and phone numbers so you can plan future precautions if the risk of suicide seems high.)

By the way, somebody who hasn’t considered taking their life isn’t going to adopt the idea of suicide, or be spurred into “doing it”, simply because the possibility has been raised with questions.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James