When a student (or a brother or sister of a student) dies, children can have many different reactions: anxiety, fear, aggressiveness, anger, panic, guilt, regression, withdrawal, and symptoms of bodily distress. And often children will bottle up their emotions around adults and attempt to deny their feelings of anger, hurt, and fear by repressing them. But eventually grief takes over and feelings leak out!
So, if you are a teacher, it’s important for you to examine your own feelings about death and grief and share those feelings with the children within your class so the students in turn can feel comfortable exploring their feelings about death, loss and grief.
Children need to know it’s OK to grieve!
They need to know that it’s okay to cry, be sad or angry, and even smile and to know that it’s OK to want to help a classmate (you can explore supportive ideas with them).
Children are intuitive and shouldn’t be shielded from death and grief. –They sense and see what’s going on and will embrace helpful ways for channeling their grief. So an honest considerate approach taken in the classroom can help them now, and in the future.
If a student seeks you out to talk, be available and really listen. Hear with your ears, your eyes, and your heart and give them your undivided attention (click here to find out how to listen well).
Give warm hugs because hugs say, “I know what happened and I care. I am here if you need me.”
And please be open and honest with your feelings and create an atmosphere of open acceptance that invites questions and fosters confidence that you are concerned.
In another Blog I’ll share some great strategies for helping children channel their grief in the classroom.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Over the Spring Break my children experienced the loss of a schoolmate—the little boy who fell in the river. Upon returning to their elementary school (in B.C. that means kindergarten through grade 7), there were counselors present for any students and staff wishing to talk about what that little boy’s two siblings (who also attend this school) and they themselves might be feeling, and to offer suggestions for coping.
Children’s understanding of death changes with age…and experience.
So while most kindergartner’s believed his death was temporary (with the teachers learning how important it would be to be patient with any child who comes in everyday asking, “Is —- coming back today?), children 6-8 generally understood the boy would not return (and realized it could happen to them, or a family member—They needed to be made to feel safe and protected, with simple, honest information).
And children 9-12 were curious about the biological aspects of death (and had a realistic view of death but thought it couldn’t happen to them).
The oldest students perceived death like adults—but in this age group they tend to get overwhelmed with feelings and move in and out of grief.
The principal was wise to bring in counselors. He knew that when children are grieving (with students exhibiting a range of reactions), they have shortened attention spans and may have trouble concentrating, which will in turn affect their schoolwork.
When a tragedy strikes at this school, the teachers now know it is imperative to observe the students and exercise patience and understanding.
In my next Blog I’ll share specific ideas for teachers. (Remember, you also need to take care of your own mental and physical health.)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Don’t think of them as gone away—
their journey’s just begun;
life holds so many facets—
this earth is only one.
Just think of them as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days or years.
Think how they must be wishing
that we could know, today,
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of them as living
in the hearts of those they touched…
for nothing loved is ever lost
And they were loved so much!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
You are helping someone accept the reality of a death when you encourage him/her to see the body of his/her beloved.
Yes, viewing and touching a body is the best way for a grieving person to overcome feelings of denial about a death.
If you don’t know what to say, here is a suggestion:
“I think it would help if you said goodbye to…”
A woman lost her 3-year-old child in a surfing accident. Three days after the child went missing the woman was contacted to identify the half-eaten washed-up body. The identification, said the mother, was the most profound and enlightening experience of her life, as intense pain and love were felt simultaneously.
Often, finding a missing loved one, even if they are no longer alive, brings relief—hope of closure. (I was devastated when my sister was found dead two weeks after her disappearance…but I was grateful I wasn’t left in limbo wondering where she was—I was able to move forward with my grief.)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
2500 years ago the Buddha helped a bereaved woman accept the reality of her child’s death:
The woman’s child died not long after it could walk, and in a distressed state the woman wandered the streets for days with the child in her arms asking everyone for a medicine to save her child.
The Buddha, seeing her behavior, told her that he knew of a medicine to help her but first she had to collect a handful of mustard seeds, each one from a house that had not seen death. As she went from house to house unable to collect the seeds she realized that death in general, and the death of her child in particular, was a reality.
Through insight she was able to shed her irrational behavior.
In my next Blog I’ll share how you can help the bereaved accept the reality of a loved one’s death.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Your physical presence may have been stolen away but memories of you were not.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
My heart skipped a beat when I heard the news and my eyes welled with tears.
When I went to volunteer search and rescue meetings I never thought about how it would feel to be called out to search for a six-year-old who fell in the river and went missing.
It was simply an accident…One second he was playing on the big rocks that were sprinkled along the shoreline and the next second he fell in. It happened that fast. The babysitter, watching him get pulled under the swirling waters, must have been frantic.
(But there was nothing that could have been done! –The waters in that area are treacherous for people of any age…even an occasional passing Kayaker has found himself tipped over and sucked under rocks, or dragged with the current while being upside down and frantically trying to get upright.)
While the search for the boy continued, for family and friends it was the not knowing that brought them to their knees in helplessness—a nightmare that was unraveling their world.
An hour later that little boy, who had simply been enjoying spring break, was found downriver.
But his parents, his siblings, other family members and friends, had the excruciating task of saying goodbye.
I’m so sorry for your loss…you must really be hurting.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
As you re-evaluate the meaning of your life during whatever crisis you face, you often discover your life mission—And that gives you a greater sense of direction and purpose.
Sometimes when you find yourself in crisis, you will find an inner strength you never knew existed.
And as hard as this is to believe, this painful, sometimes devastating situation or crisis that you find yourself in, is only a stepping-stone to something far greater than you ever imagined.
I know this from experience.
And somewhere, sometime, chances are that ordinary human beings just like you have faced a similar situation as you are facing. For a long time I found that impossible to believe because I had never heard of anyone losing a sister (or brother) and not knowing whether it was murder or suicide. Even with the unique circumstances of Cindy’s death, through my Hospice work I have found similarities with at least one other person outside of my family.
If you have a similar story to mine, I would love to hear about it!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you cannot go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
– Author Unknown –
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
After my sister, Cindy James, died, I went through a time where I didn’t care whether I lived or not – I just wanted to see her again and hug her and tell her I loved her…
I was not afraid of death or of dying (but I didn’t have children at that time…)
Are you afraid to stop existing?
Or do you believe in a spirit world after death (after the cessation of life as you know it)?
Do you think life is forever and you’ll just change form? Are we just energy that changes form after death?
Or are you simply afraid of the process of dying…of feeling pain?
Or maybe it’s not worth worrying about it if we can’t control it.
Or do you see it as an escape from everything—a freedom?
Maybe in examining our beliefs about death can we find out what our purpose in life is! (I know that was true for me.)
I don’t think any of us wants to die feeling our life has been a waste…so why don’t you pursue your dreams now.
Embrace life!
Think happy, positive thoughts and you’ll live longer.
Languish in your positive memories and stay optimistic.
And know you are valued and loved and appreciated!
Thank you for all you do to make this world a better place.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James