It may seem scary and awkward to talk to someone whom you think might be suicidal. You can say something like:
“You don’t seem to be like your old self.” (Use whatever language is most comfortable and natural.)
If you show concern and are open and direct, you can often ask questions and might receive honest answers. (In my next Blog I’ll list some questions you can ask.)
Be a good listener!
(Please see my Blog: Do You Know How to Help Someone…By Listening Well?)
Once the person starts talking, don’t try to be a therapist but listen to the concerns—and leave your judgments behind (otherwise they might decide to stop talking to you)! You are trying to build a space of confidence and security, so don’t appear alarmed or shocked by what you hear.
Teenagers who might be suicidal may have trouble expressing their thoughts and feelings and often have skewed beliefs about themselves and their situation, so don’t get into reasoning arguments or a debate about the morals of suicide—you don’t want to run the risk of increasing their sense of guilt and feelings of sadness. Try to understand their feelings and reflect back to them this understanding.
And don’t be sworn to secrecy—the person needs help so it’s better to lose a friendship for a short time than to lose it forever. (But don’t gossip. Tell someone you trust who can help.)
Trust your judgment and intuition.
Show your support. (“I don’t want you to take your life.”)
Help them talk about the things that make them happy or that they are proud of.
Ask if they’ve made any active plans (if they can tell you how, when and where they will commit suicide, they are very serious about following through).
And offer help immediately (but don’t leave them alone if there appears to be a great risk—and remove all potentially dangerous items [pills, alcohol, weapons] in case they act impulsively).
Encourage the suicidal person to seek help (teachers, school counselors and coaches can help). You may have to insist on help, or contact an appropriate person yourself.
Use your best judgment.
Take whatever steps are necessary to make sure the person is safe!
If the person refuses to talk to anyone, get professional help right away.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Suicide attempts by teens usually don’t happen without some signs that indicate something is wrong. So be alert to early clues, signals and intentions—even after it seems the worst is over a person can still have made the decision to commit suicide. Take attempts and fatalistic statements seriously. (Remember, accidents do happen!)
Here is a general list of behaviors that have warning messages:
- Starting to throw away or give away special possessions (this is a way of saying goodbye—of making final arrangements)
- Sudden changes in eating or sleeping
- Lapses of attention and concentration (daydreaming all the time—living in a world of fantasy and not paying attention to what is going on around them)
- Marked changes in personality (e.g. anxious, moody)
- Explosive outbursts
- No longer concerned about appearance
- Recent rejections from friends or social clubs
- Social withdrawal (and may spend hour after hour listening to music—anything that keeps them from thinking too much or feeling too much)
- Loss of interest in usual activities
- Unexplained, significant drop in school or other work responsibilities
- Unexplained cheerfulness after prolonged depression
- Engaging in dangerous or illegal activities (drug or alcohol abuse [trying to escape their feelings], running away)
- Possession of dangerous weapons
- Making verbal threats of suicide (“Everyone would be better off without me.”)
If you know someone who is showing one or more of the above signs, s/he is probably struggling with a serious problem—do something (don’t shy away because you think they are just trying to get attention). Don’t be afraid to talk openly about your concerns.
Isn’t it better to be wrong than to not do anything at all?
In my next Blog I’ll talk about how you can approach a potentially suicidal teen.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Accident, or misadventure (an error; an accident that causes serious injury or death to a person and that does not involve negligence, wrongful purpose, or unlawful conduct), is another theory about my sister Cindy’s death.
Maybe you’re wondering how the heck that’s possible—How could someone’s death be an accident when she has ten times the amount of morphine in her body necessary to kill her? And, since Cindy was a nurse, wouldn’t you expect that she must have known how much morphine would kill her if she planned her own death?
Cindy’s doctor, Friesen, said he didn’t believe Cindy would have intentionally committed suicide but he thought it could have been accidental.
An accidental suicide—that does sometimes happen.
Could Cindy have done it unknowingly—if she was dissociating? –If she had Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder)? In this scenario the presumption would be that various personalities could have switched back and forth or done any number of activities, without another knowing about it—without “Cindy” (the core personality) knowing about it.
Yet Friesen said he did not think Cindy had a multiple personality. So what did he mean by “it could have been accidental”? That she knew what she was doing? That she accidentally went too far in an attempt to get attention? I’m confused!
How else could her death have been an accident? –Someone trying to scare her as perhaps in previous attacks and accidentally going too far and killing her? I’m sorry but that just doesn’t sit right with me because of the amount of drugs in her system—how could someone not know that that amount of drugs would kill?
It seems like a deliberate act to me. –Someone wanted to be sure she died this time.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
I hold you in my heart here on earth until I can hold you in my arms once again in Heaven.
– Author Unknown –
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Do you think people have the right to end their life (and have a “good” death)?
Do you believe in euthanasia (when someone other than the patient ends the patient’s life as painlessly as possible?
How do you feel about passive euthanasia (when a person does not try to resuscitate the patient)?
Or, how do you feel about active euthanasia? —It was determined that my sister’s body (Cindy James) had a massive dose of morphine (ten times the amount needed to kill her, although it couldn’t be determined if she swallowed morphine pills or was injected with morphine). Could that be an example of euthanasia? (Say someone injected Cindy with the morphine so she would slip away quickly and painlessly—an act out of mercy.)
Could Cindy have had those massive doses of Flurazepam AND morphine because her death was both a suicide (she swallowed enough Flurazepam to kill herself—not a criminal act in Canada) and active euthanasia (was injected with morphine—a mercy act, or is that still murder or manslaughter? I guess it would depend on the motives of the person assisting—would they assist because they had something to gain, like money, or would they assist purely out of compassion—and really, how would you tell the difference if it was unspoken?).
Or if she took both Flurazepam and morphine tablets, is that simply committing suicide in a most unusual way because she was mentally ill and perhaps dissociating? But then, how come police found no trace from tablets anywhere near Cindy’s body (none in the paper cup suspended in the nearby trees; none in the nearby container having an old weather-worn label—police said that container was irrelevant to her death; none in the pockets of the coat she was found partially laying on…). –How did she get the drugs to the site without leaving a trace? I find it impossible to believe Cindy would have taken the drugs elsewhere and then walked to the site—with that amount of drugs in her body she could hardly have had enough time to walk to the site AND tie herself up!
Maybe someone, having the evidence, walked away from the scene.
Is this a case of suicide plus active euthanasia… or of murder… or a strange suicide…or of something else?
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door, that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.” -Helen Keller-
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
A tape with two phone calls was played at the 1990 inquest examining Cindy James’s death. (She disappeared May 25, 1989 and her body was found on June 8, 1989.) Those two calls had been received on Cindy’s ex-husband’s answering machine two weeks prior to Cindy’s October 1988 attack.
At 11:17pm Tuesday, October 11, 1988, in a deep, raspy, and drawn-out voice, the first threatening message was left:
“Cindy…Dead…Meat…Soon.”
It took ten seconds for the caller to say those four words.
If you’re going to listen to it I have to warn you that it’s eerie!
Listen to the First Threatening Phone Call:
“Hey man. More smack, more downers. Another grand after we waste the —-. No more deals.”
Listen to the Second Threatening Phone Call (It has been edited to eliminate the swear word):
A copy of the tape (having the two threatening messages) along with copies of Cindy’s voice (from her answering machine) was sent to the FBI in Washington, DC for analysis. The FBI passed them on to analysts in Syracuse New York—who were unable to determine whether the voice from Roy’s October phone recordings was Cindy’s or not.
At the inquest we heard Constable Anderson state he believed it was Cindy’s voice on the October recording although he was not an expert on voice analysis and therefore it was his opinion and only his opinion.
And Roy testified that he thought it was a male voice.
What do you think?
If you think it is a female voice, do you think it could be Cindy…and what does that mean regarding her harassment?
Or, do you agree it is a man’s voice? Or is one a man’s voice and one a woman’s voice, or are both recordings from the same person?
And why would those messages have been left on Roy’s answering machine?
Check out what Pamela wrote in the comments on the Jan 19/08 post “What if Cindy (James) Committed Suicide With Help?” Then tell me, in the comments section for this more recent post, what you think.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well-lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore to this day.
Or perhaps you prefer this version:
Look to this day,
The very life of life,
In its brief course lies all,
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power.
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well lived,
Makes every yesterday
A dream of happiness
And every tomorrow
A vision of hope.
Look well, therefore,
To this day.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
To my dear family and friends,
Thank-you for all the love and blessings you’ve sent my way since my death.
You see…I’ve received them all! For I am with you still.
It’s such a special feeling to know I have loved ones as wonderful as you.
So on this special day—on this very special day—I would just like to say that yes, no one could ever be as beautiful as you are to me.
I love you.
Please don’t worry about me—I’m well looked after!
(Try relaxing and letting the positive feelings that this inspiration creates fill your mind.)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James