The elderly are often seen as a nuisance to treat in the hospital because (and I’ll quote something I recently heard in emergency after an elderly gentleman was sent there by ambulance from his care facility), “There are other people who stand a better chance than him and are in greater need [pointing to a lady with a broken hip]—he’s going to die anyway—there isn’t anything I can do for him to change his outcome. So what do you want me to do [said in exasperation with the doc’s arms coming up at his sides]?”
“I understand how frustrating it is to deal with an old man with dementia [who is a fall risk and is desperately trying to get out of his emergency room bed and won’t let anyone touch him except me],” I said.
“And I can understand how overworked you are right now [since, as the doc pointed out, some people were still waiting…after 7 or 8 hours…for the doctor to see them] but could you please help him and not just send him back to his care home without doing something to alleviate his pain—make him more comfortable—find out what is wrong!”
That’s all I was asking for.
(The care facility had sent him to the hospital in the first place because he’d had diarrhea for 24 hours and, being unable to consume enough fluids, he was very dehydrated.)
The elderly fellow certainly didn’t want to die in the hospital and the intention was to send him “home” to die, but he deserved to be treated with dignity and compassion and made to feel comfortable.
The doctor returned a few minutes later and apologized, saying, “I personally promise you I’ll make sure he is taken of and not sent back until we take care of his current problem.”
So an x-ray was taken and an IV line was started (after three attempts because the elderly man was so dehydrated) and the problem was clarified and treated and four days later, after the problem improved as best as possible, the elderly gentleman was returned to his care home and everyone was told, “This will be an ongoing problem for him and everyone will have to understand that he is declining.
(We could expect him to have even more of an aversion to foods and beverages, a continuing loss of control over bodily functions and problems with his bowel, altered cycles…catnaps…more time spent sleeping, a greater degree of inability to mobilize, requiring assistance to eat….)
Don’t you think the elderly deserve compassion, dignity and comfort?
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Those who study the effects of stress on marriages report that the death of a parent can put a great strain on a good marriage (if there is an inability or unwillingness to communicate feelings, one partner is left feeling excluded from the life of the other), so pay particular attention to your spouse.
Go on at least one date, and try not to focus on the events surrounding your parent’s death.
Your spouse may not fully understand what you are going through, but whatever help s/he tries to give will be done with the best of intentions, so receive it graciously.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Lately I’ve posted Blogs about being with the dying, changes in a dying person, signs of death and death of a parent.
I’ve had many responses. Among them is one from a woman named Ellen, who has a daughter of her own.
One thing that surprised Ellen was the difference between losing her father and other losses she’s experienced, including miscarriages and the loss of friends to accidents and suicides:
“Your time as a child is ending and mortality is in your face,” She says. “The family tree has changed…one of the roots has been cut off. I was just a child walking with my dad and now I’m looking at my own child. I want to make the most of the time with my mom.”
And others, like Sandy quoted below, have spoken with me about how the death of a loved one or their own brush with serious illness has caused a reevaluation of their own life:
“When someone dies…who you were particularly close to, or you get diagnosed with cancer or some other life-threatening disease or illness…and I’ve experienced both…you really look at what is important in life and you realize it’s the loving relationships you have and what you choose to do with the NOW that you have left! You want to make the most of it. ”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
After a parent dies it’s common to think about why someone lived…and why s/he died…and to wonder what gives life meaning—to question your belief system.
(It’s OK if you don’t find definitive answers though, because what’s more important is that you allow yourself the opportunity to think and feel things through.)
It’s natural to search for a sense of peace…of hope…and of healing.
Seek out people who acknowledge your loss and will listen to you as you openly express your grief.
Avoid people who try to judge your feelings or try to take them away from you—for instance by saying, “Shouldn’t you be over it by now.”
Sharing your pain with others won’t make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable.
Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that makes life seem worth living again.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.”
~Victor Frankl
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Here’s a myth you may have heard expressed in the following ways:
“Everyone dies, and people who have lived a long, full life are expected to die. You’re a grown–up. You shouldn’t be so upset when your parent dies because you knew it was coming.”
Or, “Be glad he lived a long, full life.”
And maybe, “It was his time to go.”
Or how about, “Besides, we all know he wasn’t always that nice.”
If your parent was old, you may find that others don’t fully acknowledge your loss. The elderly are not always valued (in some cultures). They are often seen as having outlived their usefulness instead of as a source of great wisdom, experience and love. And so when an elderly (and sometimes “difficult”) parent dies, we sometimes hear those painful phrases listed above instead of hearing, “Your father was a special person and your relationship with him must have meant a lot to you. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Well the reality is the death of someone you love, especially someone who played such a big role in your life, is a profound loss—and you may be surprised at the overwhelming depth of feelings that can be triggered.
And it doesn’t matter if your parent was middle-aged or old, or whether the death was anticipated or sudden—someone who loved you and whom you loved (perhaps even despite difficulties) will never be physically present to you again.
And so you’ll grieve.
You’ll need to mourn.
(And your mourning [influenced by the type of relationship you had with that parent, among other factors]) may be different from that of your siblings. So remember, there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to cope—it doesn’t mean that one of you is “wrong” in how you grieve.) One sibling (who may have been the caregiver to a sick parent) may experience relief that the suffering has ended. Another sibling (experiencing unresolved anger stemming from an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, or feeling angry at God) may have painful feelings brought to the surface and lash out…or choose to show no emotion. Another sibling may be totally immersed in guilt and regret. Another sibling may be completely overwhelmed with displays of emotion…
Denying grief will only make it more confusing and overwhelming.
So embrace your grief and heal.
To heal…to live and love wholly again, you must mourn.
And remember, reconciling your grief will not happen quickly because grief is a process, not an event. So be patient and tolerant with yourself.
And never forget…the death of a parent changes your life forever.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being an ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! And, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~Elizabeth Barret Browning
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
The world may change from year to year;
And friends from day to day;
But never will the one I loved;
From memory pass away.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
His weary hours and days of pain;
His troubled nights are past;
And in our aching hearts we know;
He’s found sweet peace at last.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
In my last Blog post I talked about the changes in a person’s body when the dying process has started.
As the body shuts down completely there will be signs that death has occurred:
— The lack of pulse and breathing,
— The release of bowel and bladder (although this doesn’t always happen if they have not had any food or drink in awhile.),
— The eyelids will be slightly opened and the eyes will be staring at a certain spot.
— The mouth will be slightly opened and relaxed.
If you were the caregiver for your dying loved one and were present at or shortly after death, after the death has occurred you can take as much time as you need to be with your beloved.
If you have Hospice you need to call them and let them know the person has passed. They will come to assist you if you want.
You will also need to call the funeral home so they can make arrangements to pick up the body.
Whether you were the caregiver or it was your family member, you need to grieve. Remember, everyone handles death differently. Some people may cry while others will tell stories of the person life and remember the good times.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James