There will be several changes in a person’s body when the dying process has started:
They might not want anything to eat or drink. (This is completely normal—their body doesn’t need any nutrition at this time.) If they refuse to eat or drink they might like to have their mouth moistened—there are swabs available to do this and they can be found at the pharmacy. You just dip them in water and place in your beloved’s mouth. Ice chips are also a nice alternative. And you may want to apply Chap Stick to keep their lips from cracking.
If they are having trouble swallowing, this can make taking any medications difficult—you can request meds in liquid or suppository form from the Dr.
They might be sleeping more, and become less responsive. (Just because they are sleeping doesn’t mean they don’t know you are there with them. Sitting and holding their hand can be a great comfort at this time. You can also continue to talk to them and comfort them.)
They will become incontinent as the kidneys shut down. (Using adult disposable diapers will make it easier to keep them clean and dry. If you aren’t able to provide care for your beloved there are many agencies that have people trained in how to care for someone that is facing death. They can be there to keep your loved one clean and look after any needs they have. If you are the caregiver it is important to keep your beloved clean and dry to prevent any skin break down. And try to keep them comfortable in the bed, and make sure to reposition them every few hours.)
They may run a temperature at this time and breathing might become irregular or sound different to you…it might even stop for periods of time (this is perfectly normal and the person is not in distress).
Their legs and arms may start to cramp. (This is from the lack of fluids. Try to gently rub them and ease the pain.)
Their arms and legs may also become cool to the touch (this is from the circulation slowing down).
The main point is to make sure your beloved is as comfortable as they can be…and that you honor their wishes, even if you do not agree.
Death can take weeks or days and be a very stressful and tiring time. Make sure you take a break even if for a few minutes to allow yourself to recharge. Have a friend, family member, home nurse or hospice sit with the dying person for a little bit while you grab a shower or a bite to eat. You have to take some time for yourself to be able to provide the best care for your loved one. And if you are the caregiver, you still need to take time for yourself to deal with your feelings (especially if you have been caring for the person for a while). When family members visit you could take a break and go outside for a few minutes (allowing some alone time for the family member)—just let them know where you are in case they need something.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
The one who is dying wants to know they’re not alone. It’s up to you to tell them in as many ways as you can. (Even a loved one who is deteriorating may not know what is happening.)
Companionship matters more than what you do.
Help the person create a way to be remembered—perhaps by taping a video of the person telling favorite stories, or sharing values and hopes in a letter to a loved one such as a grandchild.
Tell the person you will miss him or her.
Express your love.
Talk about the fun you’ve had together and what that has meant to you.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake – turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete those unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.
~Mary Lee Hall
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Treat your beloved with dignity and grace to the end.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Here are some ideas for reaching out and connecting to someone who’s dying.
Connect by talking.
As an equal, person to person, face to face. Say what you think. Express what you feel. If the dying person is slow to open up, don’t push them. Just let them know you’re ready to move to a deeper level whenever they are. If tears come, let them to be—they are a sign showing you care (an indication you wish this wasn’t happening). Be honest with them. Talk simply and straightforwardly. Avoid secrets. Speak when the time is right and stop when the moment has passed. Draw the other person out bit by bit. Allow yourself to be drawn out too. Make this a time when you truly meet.
Connect by listening.
The one who’s dying may have much to say:
-Feelings to explore,
-Questions to ask,
-Ideas to leave behind,
-Experiences to sum up.
Your patient, attentive ear is one of the greatest gifts you can offer. Real listening takes work. The dying person’s thoughts can be complicated and confusing as they spill out. Their emotions can be forceful and yet elusive. Answers may not be easy to come by. Yet you will perform a wonderful service by listening carefully to what the other person has to say, without interrupting, without judging, and without shying away. These can be sacred times you’ll both remember long afterwards.
Connect by encouraging memories.
Often a dying person wants to make sense of the time they’ve had on earth. They want to feel their life has mattered and their influence will not be forgotten. You can play a critical role by treating their memories as important and their reflections on life as valuable. Leaf through scrapbooks and old letters with them. Look at pictures, sort through mementos, tell and re-tell meaningful stories. As you do this, you’re each beginning to say your goodbyes. Saying them this way, gradually and lovingly, can help you both.
Connect by touching.
People who are dying want to know you’re with them in as many ways as possible. No way is more direct than physical touch. If it’s a comfort to them, hold their hand or touch their arm or shoulder or head. Stroke them, massage them, hug them. Your nonverbal communication can say as much as your verbal, or even more. Don’t forget that touch and hearing are the two senses a person retains longest. Even when they cannot speak, they can be spoken to with a sound or a caress.
Connect by just being present.
Sometimes the most thoughtful way to reach out to a dying person is by not saying or doing anything. By your consistent return you communicate, “I will not desert you.” By sitting or working quietly in the same room with them, you communicate “I enjoy being with you.” By staying beside them when they need you, your message is clear: “I am right here. I care.”
Connect by breathing.
Often when people are near death their breath is erratic, but if you can follow their breath up to that point and breathe with them, you can connect to them in a nonverbal way. It’s a way of letting them know they are not alone.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Do you have preconceptions about what dying people are like?
Expect them to live until they die…then let them do precisely that!
The one who’s dying needs you to reach out because those who know they’re dying may hesitate to voice their deeper thoughts and feelings. And because they’re often afraid of upsetting the people around them, they can come to feel isolated and lonely.
So reach out and connect.
Connect by talking, by listening, by encouraging memories, by touching, by being present and by breathing.
In my next Blog post I’ll go more in depth with those suggestions for connecting.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
There’s a tendency to treat dying people differently:
Voices are often lowered.
People’s faces may appear overly somber or they may take on a false cheeriness.
Topics of conversation become more limited and some things are no longer talked about at all.
As a result, the dying person may feel they’re being pushed to one side, or they’re being treated with pity, or they’re being handled like a child.
But dying people generally prefer to live fully as long as they’re able, and to be treated as very much alive!
They don’t want your pity; they want your compassion.
They don’t want you to pat them on the head; they want you to go with them hand-in-hand just as far as you can.
The dying person is no different than they used to be—they’re as full of life as you are. They’re every bit as human and maybe even more human. So they may bristle if you treat them as less than they are.
The kind of person they’ve been before is the kind of person they’ll be now. Dying does not change who they are. They do not automatically become wiser or kinder or braver. They simply become more themselves.
If they were serious before, they’ll be serious now.
If they’ve been lighthearted, they’ll probably still have a sparkle about them, at least some of the time.
Quiet people will usually not talk a lot more, grouchy people will not complain much less, and affectionate people will not give up their loving ways.
What dying people may do is emphasize certain aspects of who they’ve been all along. Realizing this is a time unlike any other, and knowing it will not come again, they may concentrate on certain pursuits or call upon certain characteristics, letting others fall away. You may have the impression they’re becoming more who they’re meant to be.
Some people do experience personality conversions.
Some decide to live the time that’s left in radically different ways, and they give up old lifestyles for new ones.
Some become obviously freer and others become clearly happier.
Some grow up a great deal in a short period of time.
And a few…unlikely as it may seem…actually blossom.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
The miser thinks he’s living when he’s hoarding up his gold;
The soldier calls it living when he’s doing something bold;
The sailor thinks it living to be tossed upon the sea,
And upon this vital subject no two of us agree.
But I hold to the opinion, as I walk my way along,
That living’s made of laughter and good-fellowship and song.
I wouldn’t call it living always to be seeking gold,
To bank all the present gladness for the days when I’ll be old.
I wouldn’t call it living to spend all my strength for fame,
And forego the many pleasures which to-day are mine to claim.
I wouldn’t for the splendor of the world set out to roam,
And forsake my laughing children and the peace I know at home.
Oh, the thing that I call living isn’t gold or fame at all!
It’s good-fellowship and sunshine, and it’s roses by the wall;
It’s evenings glad with music and a hearth fire that’s ablaze,
And the joys which come to mortals in a thousand different ways.
It is laughter and contentment and the struggle for a goal;
It is everything that’s needful in the shaping of a soul.
-Edgar A Guest
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Death is not too high a price to pay for having lived. Mountains never die, nor do the seas or rocks or endless sky. Through countless centuries of time, they stay eternal, deathless. Yet they never lived! If choice there were, I would not hesitate to choose mortality. Whatever Fate demanded in return for life I’d give, for, never to have seen the fertile plains, nor heard the winds nor felt the warm sun on sands beside the salty sea, nor touched the hands of those I love – without these, all the gains of timelessness would not be worth one day of living and of loving; come what may.
~Dorothy Monroe
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James